Attack of the (Matrix) Clones!

First, let me say I finally saw Juno. Fantabulous! I'd totally "chair" her.

Anyhow...

The other day I watched:

This is by far the worst of the Matrix sequels. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was way better, and so was this ...

See, this movie even has the balls to say "FORGET 'THE MATRIX'!" - IN ALL CAPS! 

Also a good Matrix sequel was Ultraviolet with my honey Mila, if you can handle the Lisa Frank color scheme.

However, by far the best sequel to The Matrix is House of Fury.

Abso-frakin-mazing! Everything a great slo-mo action kung-fu movie should be. Sibling fights to the death at the dinner table over the last piece of chicken! Sibling fights to the death over remote controls! Just like a real family. I suppose. And it's from the action director of Kung-fu Hustle! It says so on the box. Now, read that carefully. The action director of Kung-fu Hustle. Not the director. That's like saying, "Featuring the same catering service used on Speed 2: Cruise Control!" 

Which brings me back to The Matrix Reloaded. This movie is a lot like Herpes or the Stomach Flu. It's better the second time around - but not by much. I was impressed they pulled out all the stops for this one and rotated the camera the opposite direction during jump kicks sometimes. Sure, I love techno orgy/raves as much as the next guy, but not even Keanu Reeves bum and Carrie-Ann Moss's boob plug-ins could save this pile. 

So I rate the Matrix movies as follows:

The Matrix - AWESOME!

The Matrix Reloaded - Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!

The Matrix Resomething - Pudding! Hey at least its over maybe and it's better than The Passion of the Christ!

House of Fury - Fantabulous!

Equilibrium - 4 Sean Bean's up...WAY UP!

Ultraviolet - A brand-spankin new Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper!

Next up, Semi-pro...

Does this look funny too you? Does it? WELL, DOES IT?! 

Because it's about as funny as a bear attack. Which incidentally actually happened the other day involving the actual bear used in the movie. Apparently, the bear hated the movie so much he killed his trainer. Really. This movie isn't an epic fail necessarily, just incredibly lame. Sure, there was some laughs. At least 3. I counted.

I give it an 11. On a scale of One Million.

Yo-Yo's and Cow Demons

"The power you wield is that of ... JUSTICE!"

So begins Sukeban Deka 2: Counter-attack of the Kazama Sisters. In this one Sukaban Deka III (they're all conveniently numbered so you don't get them confused) has to stick it to the man. Apparently, the law is too lawful and she must take her stand for lawful lawlessness. Or something. They do stuff like, you know, kill you for truancy. Or selling nuclear weapons in school. I'm particularly satisfied that truancy and nuclear proliferation warrant the same punishment. Basically, its a touching story of when good yo-yo carrying school police forces go bad and must be stopped ... AT ALL COSTS!

The kickin' 80's soundtrack is back for this one but this time it's supplemented with music composed by the guy that did The People's Court or maybe the undergound levels in Super Mario Bros. You can also tell this is a sequel because it really ups the ante on excitement. Like adding blades to the Yo-Yo's making them Scythes of Death (I'm copywriting that). And dressing all the good bad guys ...er...bad good guys (whatever) as the Foot Clan.

So anyhow, unfortunately for the bad guys, when the Yo-Yo wielding Nazi youth kill the Kazama sisters mentor Mr. Yoda (no, really) it's time for Yuma and Yuki to join Yui and spring into action. That's Sukaban Deka I, II, and III for those keeping count.

"They're just little kids (!) ... why are you being so merciless with those yo-yo's!?!? - Sukaban Deka III (Yui Kazuma)

Why indeed?

I give this movie 17 blazing Filipino Yo-Yo's! The killing kind.

Now it's Takashi Time!

So, I can't believe I've never reviewed the solid gold that was Takashi Miike's Gozu.

In typical Miike fashion this movie is fraked. It's all about a dude that has a hit put on him by his own people because he's gone crazy and believes specially trained puppies and sedans are out to kill him. He ends up dead (I won't actually ruin the plot for you with the hows and whys) and lost when his buddy (who's sent to kill him) loses his corpse from the back seat of his mustang when he stops in a cafe for a drink. Not confused yet? Well hang on a tic. So his buddy starts looking for him everywhere, including an inn with a lactating inn keeper who bottles her boobie milk for sale and gets visited by ...

Yes, a cow demon. So eventually buddy boy finds a chick who claims to be his long lost boss (the corpse). He has sex with her (cause who wouldn't) and gets his penis stuck in her. Well, it turns out something grabbed it...

And then comes the best birth scene since Knocked Up...

Yep, thats his lost boss man. Oh, he was IN the lady...duh!

And they all joined hands and skipped to a freeze frame...really.

I can't say anything witty to that. How could you. I'm also forgoing a rating. It's Takashi Miike. Either you rushed to buy it the second I said Miike or your shut off your computer.

Sukeban Deka Baby!

I'm sure you're all aware of my love affair with Yo-Yo Girl Cop! Well, apparently Japan has been catering to the needs of Japanese-schoolgirls-turned-deadly-ninja-yo-yo-assassin-law-enforcement-agents fans for sometime now. 

Enter Sukaban Deka and Sukaban Deka 2: Counter-Attack of the Kazama Sisters!

These things have been pumping out since the 80's and these movies encompass everything that was great about the 80's and silent yo-yo killers.

If you don't remember, the 80's was that awesome time that was just like the 90's - only ten years earlier.  This movie took that awesomeness and combined it with a killer 80's J-pop soundtrack and all the things that made the decade great...like Magnum P.I. and the Iron Eagle movies. And Robocop 3. And New Coke. And communism.

You know Robocop had a series. I think it was called Robocop: The Series.

So anyhow, this chick reluctantly has to leave her wonderful pre-college/post-yo-yo ninja assassin life behind and rescue the poor children of HELL CASTLE.

Which is actually a school. (Japan's education system is a bitch.)

I won't give anything away (except maybe the middle and end) but she ends up fighting this dude WHO HAS A METAL HAND! Take that George Lucas!

Turns out he is really a cyborg that was reconstructed as PURE EVIL when he got blowed up good in an earlier movie that doesn't exist.

Hmmm...robocop much? Ahh...the 80's.

Anyhow, she defeats them with the most cunning tactic ever employed in any movie I've ever seen. Immediately after the big reveal that he is a CYBORG OF DOOM she kills him with a jump cut!

No really. The scene jumps from his very much alive face to her running from the exploding building he was just in.

Lazy editing you say? Nay! Ballsy as hell. I don't like to be spoon-fed the plot so this movie was perfect. It just omitted it.

Imagine how much better Star Wars would have been if Vader said, "Luke, I am your father!" and then the death star blew up.

Amazing.

I give this movie a ...

The End

(did you see what I just did? yep, I'm clever.)

If you're really good, maybe I'll tell you what the sequel was about when I review Gozu. 

“It’s Time to Dance and I’m Your DJ!”

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Professor Boll and His Nazi Gold

So I'm sure you all know who Uwe Boll is. "Only the greatest motion picture creator in the known universe!" you say? Well then you're crazy. But he did give us this:

The movie had frakin Sir Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez AND...

BILLY ZANE AND HIS WIG...AND...

MEATLOAF AND HIS WIG...AND...REAL WHORES! (No really, Uwe said it was cheaper to hire actual Romanian prostitutes. AWESOME!)

So anyway, my point - Uwe Boll says and does some really dumb things. The latest is in response to an actual internet petition going around to stop Uwe Boll from making any more movies. Well Uwe Boll agreed to it if it got 1 million votes. 

It did. 

Fast.

So today he responded to it with this: (Warning: The following came from the mouth of Uwe Boll so be prepared to be confused and possibly offended, but I feel it is my duty to bring all the Uwe Boll news Fox and CNN is scared to present - also all errors are a direct quote from Mr. Boll)

"Hi, here's Uwe Boll, and I have a statement to make about that internet petition. There's a petition out, 'Stop Uwe Boll,' and I said like 1 million people on the petition, I stop actually making movies. I want that there's a petition out there, like a pro-Boll petition, and I expect a million votes pro-Boll. I hope somebody would set it up and you all start signing it, because look: I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business, or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies, you will see my real genius, you know? And if you go on May 23 and Postal, you will see that I deliver a movie what nobody else delivered in the last 10 years -- what is way better as all that social critic George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend. So you have to really wake up and you have to see me what I am. I'm the only genius in the whole fucking business. Goodbye."

I'll keep you posted as more develops and as more huge actors lose their minds and appear in his films.

The following is a memorial in honor of the actors who have risked their careers working with Uwe Boll:

Clint Howard

Bif Naked

Christen Slater

Tara Reid

Stephen Dorf

Kristanna Loken

Michael Madsen

Meat Loaf

Billy Zane

Michelle Rodriguez

Sir Ben Kingsley

Jason Statham

Leelee Sobieski

John Rhys-Davies

Ron Perlman

Claire Forlani

Mathew Lillard

Ray Liotta

Burt Reynolds

Verne Troyer

Lance Henricksen

Danny Trejo

And with SIX movies in production, only further casualties can come...

Mediocre Mediocrity with Duncan Kane!

When the best, most interesting, most full of feeling character in a movie is Duncan Kane you know you're in for a real experience. Not necessarily a good experience, but an experience. Really, I was moved during every minute that both 'ol Duncan and Diane Lane was on the big screen, but when their scenes were over I still had 1 hour and 40 minutes to kill. What movie am I speaking of? Why Hayden Christensen's latest masterpiece of course:

Have you ever noticed that Hayden Christensen is a poor man's Ryan Phillipe? And that's saying something because Ryan is pretty poor. I mean, he is the dude that starred in Little Boy Blue where his dad forced him to have sex with his mom while daddy recorded it for his own pleasure. Wow, that was such a feel good movie. But Ryan Phillipe went on to marry Reece Whiterspoon and star as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars so he ended up doing okay for himself. Meanwhile, Hayden stars in straight to DVD films like Chaos. Wait, I got that backwards? See what I mean? Well, all I know is one of them got to make out with Sarah Michelle Gellar which was also his sister so ... DOUBLE HOT!

Where was I? That's right - Jumper. 

So it did have Samuel L. Jackson. But it was Samuel L. Jackson with very bad hair. And nowhere in the movie did he say, "I want these Mother F*ckin Jumpers off my Mother F*ckin Egyptian Sphinx!" I was really counting on that. 

So I give this movie 2 Little Boy Blues. Just be greatfull we're all still alive. I mean any movie Samuel L. Jackson can't save just by showing up could (and should) have created a doomsday like vortex of doom that would have engulfed us all ... in DOOM! Seriously, the man can save anything.

Look at Star Wars I-III.

Irony is so Ironic. Or is it just really bad luck, Alanis?

So I just got done spending my $3.50 at the best cinemaplex your tax dollars can buy on a Cherry Coke, 5 gallon barrel of popcorn and this:

I have to wonder if I should even be posting a blog about a movie that tries to preach the sins of posting blogs ... well viral videos to be exact. Although, now that I say that I'm beginning to understand where the killer is coming from. Who hasn't wanted to bust a cap in Mr. Chocolate Rain's ass? 

I was pleasantly surprised by this Saw lite flick. Probably because I wasn't expecting much, but then again anytime you start a movie with a kittie death you know you're in for something sick, twisted ... and incredibly lame? Who kills a cat in a torture porn? On one hand it is something Saw and Hostel has never tried. Then again, who would want to try that? Can you see Jigsaw dangling Meow Mix in front of some siamese cat tied to a chain saw and saying, "Here kittie kittie! Would you like to play a game?"

On the plus side, Colin Hanks makes a great morse code winking skeleton and the political statement that Youtube and 2 Girls 1 cup are the devil is much appreciated. 

I give it 6 Girls 4 Cups baby!

Now is the time for a new little segment I like to call Quick Tidbits. (Okay, fortunately that is not going to be the real name of this section cause that would suck) Ooohh, Ooohh, how about Unfinished Thoughts?

I watched Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick this weekend. Has anybody ever noticed Vin Diesel laughs like a horn. HHHHA! Seriously, HHHHA! I'm pretty sure Alf trademarked that.

Also, The Chronicles of Riddick is awesome and is the best Star Wars film in the new series. In case you don't know, it goes right between episode VI and episode I when you watch them in order.

Finished watching the Lethal Weapon series finally. Mel Gibson movies get better the shorter his hair gets.