Torture + Porn = 32?

I take pride in my love of the obscene. I relish movies like Visitor Q, Takashi Miike's Dead or Alive, and Sex Kittens 14: Teen Ninja Zombie Whores. You can drown a hooker in a vat of her own poo and I'll squeal in glee. So why am I getting squeamish with the growing genre of torture-porn? (Which, by the way, I claim responsibility for the creation of the term "Torture-Porn". At the very least, I called Hostel that one week before Entertainment Weekly did.) Anyhow...

Don't get me wrong, I've seen three of the four Saw movies and I've been trying to catch the Hostel duo on Showtime with little success (Damn me having to work) but I guess the point is I haven't been trying too hard. I would never own them. Not because they're not good, I think the Saw movies have very good plots for horror films, they just don't have re-watchability. For some reason I can watch some dude have anal with a dead chick in Visitor Q, but I can't stomach someone chopping their penis off to get to a key that will unlock a device that is fixing to...well...probably chop their penis off. Is it because it's tasteless? Well, it is but that's never bothered me. Too bloody? Hells no. Too realistic? Granted, you have a much higher chance of dying from a sadistic serial killer than a zombie war but I don't think so. So, why am I squeamish? Because its too over done. Saw was original and new, but 100 torture-porn flicks later Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning ran out of ways to invicerate victims. Wait...I just had an epiphany. That's it. The problem with these movies is the inviceration. It's there to hide the fact the movie has no scare factor, no plot, no suspense - other than the fact that there is definitely an inviceration coming. Rob Zombie's Halloween was a welcome comeback for the genre. A "mainstream" horror film that explored more than pain and suffering for the sake of pain and suffering. So what needs to be done? Nothing. The industry will fix itself. 80's slasher flicks gave way to 90's Scream clones, and 90s Scream clones gave way to the 00's Torture-Porn and 80's remakes (a subject for another time). Therefore, I have full confidence that we will transition. Unfortunately, by my calculation not until at least 2010. In the meantime...

Watch: Saw 1-3 anyhow. Don't watch Hostel but do watch Cabin Fever and Eli Roth's Thanksgiving trailer on Grindhouse. For that matter watch, no BUY, Grindhouse. And, check out the quirky foreign stuff that gets skipped over here in the America's - Severance, Undead, Black Sheep - all simply amazing. Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it before, anything by Takashi Miike. Now I've got to go and try to find Hostel on Showtime.

RIP HD-DVD

Let us have a moment of silence for a passing friend. You died so young. Okay, that's enough. That's right folks, Toshiba's HD-DVD format bit the dust today, leaving the market wide open for Sony's Blu-Ray. But does anyone care? So far the winner of DVD format war has been and still is ... drum roll ... DVD. With cheap up-convertors on the market and downloadable media becoming more and more viable Blu-Ray may share the same fate. Do I really need a Blu-Ray version of Logan's Run? Probably not. I definitely don't need it for $34.99. Sure, Blu-Ray could take off now with no competition, especially if the prices drop. It does have the advantage of having cover art and packaging you can hold, something downloads don't, but then again so does DVD for half the price. But who am I to argue with the successful juggernaut that is Sony. Just look at their success with Betamax, Minidiscs and UMD. Oh.....

Ichi! You Wanker!

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover. Well, you sure as hell can judge a DVD – and the new Ichi the Killer two-disc release has BUY ME written all over it. I was walking through the local Buy More the other day and I saw this little gem beckoning to me from the rows of drivel their associates call media. Two glorious disks of Ichi encased in a blood transfusion bag filled with … blood! At that point the case could contain King Kong and I would still buy it. Granted I have a huge man crush on Takashi Miike and anything he does, but Ichi is a great movie. Non-stop sex and violence and violent sex mixed with gallons of blood – need I say more? I do? Well, I’m not going to. Buy it and find out for yourself. I haven’t had a chance to check out this copy yet, but if its anything like the original release do yourself a favor and watch it once dubbed. Now I’m not a supporter of dubbed films at all, but for some unfathomable reason they used English (as in the Queen’s English) voice actors to hilarious effect. Best line: “Ichi! You wanker!” Yep, that sounds Japanese.

Killer Space Turtles 2: The inaugural launch!

Welcome to the first entry of Blood and Boobs. So let’s get to it shall we. You get a double feature today. Hatchet and Sunshine. Sunshine was very impressive. It stayed suspenseful from the second it started to the end, which is saying something for a movie that could have been called Apollo 13: 2010 A Space Odyssey. Seriously, my wife stayed half buried under her blanket the entire time and I kept expecting an alien or space zombie or something. I just knew it was going to go all Event Horizon. Did it? No. What did it do? It turned into a chase horror flick. That’s right, Halloween in Space, and you know what? It did it realistically! Sorry, I shouldn’t have used an exclamation mark there – that was a bit over the top. Anyhow, until I can decide on a rating system I give it a BUY. Stick it in your collection today.  

Oh, that’s right I said I watched Hatchet too didn’t I? Well, as a lover of all things bloody and trashy how could I resist a movie with a hatchet on the front of the cover and a subtitle that reads: Old School American Horror. Was it good? Ehhh. I enjoyed it, but that could be because I love bad movies and I got it at the Redbox for $1 (although it might end up costing me $2 because the fatties at McDonalds couldn’t make up their damn minds and I think it was late…at which point I may have to reconsider my opinion if it does indeed run me 2 bucks). Did it have gore yes. The old school, let’s turn on the fire hose kind … yummy. Did it have boobs? Hells yeah! It even had Harmony in it for you Buffy fans. So what’s wrong with a movie with blood and boobs you ask? It broke horror movie rule # 345 – showing the monster. It worked in The Descent (great movie), it didn’t work here. Probably ‘cause the “monster” looked stupid. Not to be confused with the dudes from I Am Legend, that was just crappy CG. Anyhow… I give it a WATCH, one time should do it. (By the way, I made up rule #345. Not the rule actually, but the number. The rule is sound, but who the hell really keeps up with numbering these things. So don’t be surprised if in a couple of entries you’re reading about rule #24,356 – which is in fact not “Never say I’ll be right back.”) 

I would say that should complete today’s entry, but it appears I’m in the process of watching another horror film right now. TMNT. I’m not going to say anything about it other than I’m selling this crap the second its over. I of course can’t turn it off half-way through ‘cause that’s not how I roll.  But honestly, I LOVE the Ninja Turtles. So what is with this crap? I don’t need the teen angst. I do need April to be a defenseless news reporter, not a ninja Indiana Jones. (My wife says she’s a slayer not a ninja…if I have to explain now that she’s voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar, well your just stupid and shouldn’t be reading this.) I need Shredder. I need Krang. And well, most importantly I need guys in suits voiced by Corey Feldman. Cowabunga bitches! 

By the way… I give it a MAJOR SUCK!