Welcome to the first entry of Blood and Boobs. So let’s get to it shall we. You get a double feature today. Hatchet and Sunshine. Sunshine was very impressive. It stayed suspenseful from the second it started to the end, which is saying something for a movie that could have been called Apollo 13: 2010 A Space Odyssey. Seriously, my wife stayed half buried under her blanket the entire time and I kept expecting an alien or space zombie or something. I just knew it was going to go all Event Horizon. Did it? No. What did it do? It turned into a chase horror flick. That’s right, Halloween in Space, and you know what? It did it realistically! Sorry, I shouldn’t have used an exclamation mark there – that was a bit over the top. Anyhow, until I can decide on a rating system I give it a BUY. Stick it in your collection today.
Oh, that’s right I said I watched Hatchet too didn’t I? Well, as a lover of all things bloody and trashy how could I resist a movie with a hatchet on the front of the cover and a subtitle that reads: Old School American Horror. Was it good? Ehhh. I enjoyed it, but that could be because I love bad movies and I got it at the Redbox for $1 (although it might end up costing me $2 because the fatties at McDonalds couldn’t make up their damn minds and I think it was late…at which point I may have to reconsider my opinion if it does indeed run me 2 bucks). Did it have gore yes. The old school, let’s turn on the fire hose kind … yummy. Did it have boobs? Hells yeah! It even had Harmony in it for you Buffy fans. So what’s wrong with a movie with blood and boobs you ask? It broke horror movie rule # 345 – showing the monster. It worked in The Descent (great movie), it didn’t work here. Probably ‘cause the “monster” looked stupid. Not to be confused with the dudes from I Am Legend, that was just crappy CG. Anyhow… I give it a WATCH, one time should do it. (By the way, I made up rule #345. Not the rule actually, but the number. The rule is sound, but who the hell really keeps up with numbering these things. So don’t be surprised if in a couple of entries you’re reading about rule #24,356 – which is in fact not “Never say I’ll be right back.”)
I would say that should complete today’s entry, but it appears I’m in the process of watching another horror film right now. TMNT. I’m not going to say anything about it other than I’m selling this crap the second its over. I of course can’t turn it off half-way through ‘cause that’s not how I roll. But honestly, I LOVE the Ninja Turtles. So what is with this crap? I don’t need the teen angst. I do need April to be a defenseless news reporter, not a ninja Indiana Jones. (My wife says she’s a slayer not a ninja…if I have to explain now that she’s voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar, well your just stupid and shouldn’t be reading this.) I need Shredder. I need Krang. And well, most importantly I need guys in suits voiced by Corey Feldman. Cowabunga bitches!
By the way… I give it a MAJOR SUCK!
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