Guam Movie Festival

Yes, they have movies there…and they suck…

That’s not completely true. There is something special about an entire country only having two theaters – one resembling the theater frequented by Zack and sweet, sweet Kelly on Saved by the Bell, and one claiming to be “Guams ONLY stadium-style theater!”

Mind you, it’s not particularly hard to be Guam’s ONLY anything.

Which brings us to two amazing cinematic feasts…

…of poo.

Let’s start with Max Payne.

I was hopeful, dare I say excited, going into this movie. I apparently forgot that A) videogame movies suck B) the movie based on a M rated game was only PG-13 and C) videogame movies suck. (Disclaimer: Resident Evil/Silent Hill movies ROCK FACES OFF! It’s science!)

There is something very wrong with the actors and acting when Meg from the Family Guy is the most convincing character as a Russian Slut Killer. Marky Mark, apparently forgetting he at one time acted in such movies as The Italian Job and The Happening, reverted back into his pre-Sega CD hit Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make Your Own Video school of acting. I actually felt sorry for him. He looked confused and in the desperate need of some Tylenol. I would be confused to if some douche wrote a script that basically amounted to, “Hey cameraman, let’s copy that sweeping crane shot they used in Spiderman and transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Superman and then transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Mary Kate and Ashley Olson’s Great Hello Kitty Adventure! Marky Mark…you just stand there with brow furled. EXCELLENT! Oh, and add some CG demon/angel thingies just for the HELL OF IT! No, No, they’re symbolic of…something…I promise! I think.”

This movie proves Nordic Drug Induced Mythology sucks. I give it: .62 Jimmy Buffet Albums.

Next up, Eagle Eye!

Now, here’s a safe bet. I mean, Shia Ledouche and Steven Spielberg together again! Look how good that worked out in Indiana Jones 4!

Ugh…wait…

So, this movie started out with a bang. In fact, if you walked out of the theater after the first 15 minutes congratulate yourself – this movie is on its way to receive the ultimate score of One Million Hotdogs!

However, if you stayed long enough to find out the creepy phone chick was just a scorned/PMSing super computer that wanted her boyfriend to become President by careful manipulation of stoplights then you suck at life.

This movie gets 2 and a half Indiana Jones 4’s which technically creates a negative vortex of suck.

Korean Movie Festival

Hey, there’s more to love there than just Juicy Girls!

Ok, I really did attend the Pusan International Film Festival while in Korea. And by attend, I mean I walked by the information booth on my way to Pizza Hut to eat my Bulgogi and Kimchi Personal Pan Pizza.

But, I did frequent the bootleg DVD shops while I was there (which I don’t condone and ABSOLUTELY DID NOT buy about 25,000 won (or $.99) worth of DVDs.) Besides, they looked legit in their plastic baggies and black and white cover art.

Of the movies I didn’t buy I’ve watched two so far:

First off, Death Race!

 

There is nothing really to say. It has Jason Statham (voted sexiest man alive by my wife and several co-workers, not to mention the hardest working omniscient being in Hollywood.) And it’s based on Death Race 2000 which actually came out in like 197X(?)!

Based on my No Child Left Behind Rating System, Death Race and Death Race 2000 both receive a rating of 900,000 Hotdogs. Just short of the ultimate rating allowed by God.

Where Death Race features no plot and ample blood and guts, Death Race 2000 features Sly Stalone, Kill Bill and blood and boobs. Also, it left us with the little game where you get points for hitting old blind children on walkers with your car. Come on! You know you played it when you were 16!

Amazing.

Then there is The Happening.

M. Night Shamamamamamamamamamalyn is really losing his touch. I bet his next movie’s “twist” will consist of him coming out at the end of the movie and laughing at us for watching his crap.

And while I love my dear sweet Zooey Deschanel, her Prozac induced coma look didn’t really do anything for me.

The biggest disappointment for me was the much hyped R Rating. My daughter’s Dora DVDs have more violence in them when Dora beats down that damn fox. I forget what this movie is about, but I’m pretty sure it has to deal with some chick who lives in a pool and sees dead aliens. One day she escapes her pool only to discover that … M. Night Shamamamamammamamamamamlyn sucks.

It’s okay though. I’ll still be in line to watch his next movie.

This movie gets 2 Queen Latifa’s. And trust me – that’s more than enough for anybody.