That’s not completely true. There is something special about an entire country only having two theaters – one resembling the theater frequented by Zack and sweet, sweet Kelly on Saved by the Bell, and one claiming to be “Guams ONLY stadium-style theater!”
Mind you, it’s not particularly hard to be Guam’s ONLY anything.
Which brings us to two amazing cinematic feasts…
…of poo.
Let’s start with Max Payne.
I was hopeful, dare I say excited, going into this movie. I apparently forgot that A) videogame movies suck B) the movie based on a M rated game was only PG-13 and C) videogame movies suck. (Disclaimer: Resident Evil/Silent Hill movies ROCK FACES OFF! It’s science!)
There is something very wrong with the actors and acting when Meg from the Family Guy is the most convincing character as a Russian Slut Killer. Marky Mark, apparently forgetting he at one time acted in such movies as The Italian Job and The Happening, reverted back into his pre-Sega CD hit Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make Your Own Video school of acting. I actually felt sorry for him. He looked confused and in the desperate need of some Tylenol. I would be confused to if some douche wrote a script that basically amounted to, “Hey cameraman, let’s copy that sweeping crane shot they used in Spiderman and transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Superman and then transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Mary Kate and Ashley Olson’s Great Hello Kitty Adventure! Marky Mark…you just stand there with brow furled. EXCELLENT! Oh, and add some CG demon/angel thingies just for the HELL OF IT! No, No, they’re symbolic of…something…I promise! I think.”
This movie proves Nordic Drug Induced Mythology sucks. I give it: .62 Jimmy Buffet Albums.
Next up, Eagle Eye!
Now, here’s a safe bet. I mean, Shia Ledouche and Steven Spielberg together again! Look how good that worked out in Indiana Jones 4!
Ugh…wait…
So, this movie started out with a bang. In fact, if you walked out of the theater after the first 15 minutes congratulate yourself – this movie is on its way to receive the ultimate score of One Million Hotdogs!
However, if you stayed long enough to find out the creepy phone chick was just a scorned/PMSing super computer that wanted her boyfriend to become President by careful manipulation of stoplights then you suck at life.
This movie gets 2 and a half Indiana Jones 4’s which technically creates a negative vortex of suck.
1 comment:
Eagle Eye sucked? Good! Tell Erick -- I think that's on his list of "must see movies" when he gets back.
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