Vagina Dentata Baby!

OSOL! (I hear it's catching on ... like Fetch!)

Anyhow...

Tonight I saw quite possibly the most amazing horror/thriller/comedy ever:

Whoa! It's like a horror version of Saved! McCauley Culkin could play the Vagina!

Ok, let me explain. Good Christian Girl here believes in purity and preaching the joys of virtue to the world. Unfortunately, she gets taken advantage of and almost raped ... twice. Good thing her Vagina has teeth huh? 

Words can't do this movie justice. So let me leave you with this counter:

Penis decapitations (?): 3

Penises eaten by some kind of animal: 2

Fingers bitten off: 4

Incest (almost): 1 (don't worry - it was comical incest!)

I give this movie 42 Prince Albert's!

Look! Here's 'ol girls OBGYN visit gone bad:

Best vagina movie of the year! I can't wait for the sequel: Boobs of Terror!

Bloody-disgusting.com Strikes Again!

A good rule of thumb is that if bloody-disgusting.com says something is good, stay far, far away from said good thing. I'm pretty sure they have a quote on the side of cigarette packages that says, "The best herbal product since strychnine! And so healthy too!" - bloody-disgusting .com.

Which brings me to Otis. Or more specifically the quote on the cover art. "It's Juno for the horror set." - bloody-disgusting.com. Damn you! I fell for your lies again! 

Apparently, to be Juno for the horror set all you need is some kind of plot and a set of parents, one of which that somewhat resembles Allison Janney and BAM! - instant Juno. 

This movie gets 1 and 1/16 Act II popcorn bags.

And to think, with a little effort it good have achieved Orville Redenbacher status.

Since, it is hard to find a good picture that represents this movie, I leave you with this:

"It's like Juno for the stupid 'my pets went missing because I'm a crappy pet owner' genre!" - bloodandboobs.blogspot.com.

Blood, Guts, and Rock N Roll!

I saw two movies today that have changed my life forever. It's possible they took the maximum quota of awesomeness allotted to the Universe (which totals 64) and shoved it right into my face. 

We start with:

I shouldn't even have to write a review on this one. The cover art says it all. But I'll lay out the plot for you anyhow. See, Japan is a beautiful, gun-free utopia. But they have one dirty little secret. A massive bully problem.  (No, this isn't the plot - this is just my observations on Japan through my historically accurate DVD collection.) So anyhow, Hot Girl's brother and his friend are being bullied (see?) by the son of the local Yakuza boss and his friends. They eventually kill them because they couldn't pay up on their 200,000 yen milk money debt. So Hot Girl takes revenge and gets herself chopped to pieces, because, well, if she succeeded so early on the movie would be over too soon. Fortunately, the spirit of her dead brother leads her mangled body to a friendly mechanic couple who put her back together with a machine gun arm. 

(Yes, that's a decapitated body behind her!) So she and Hot Mechanic Lady (who has a very Bruce Campbell chainsaw arm) go and exact their revenge. The End. 

Ok, the plot is weak - but that's where this movie actually shines. You see, normally Japanese movies can be kinda slow and try to get all artsy with their deep talky plots (like the British and their constant door opening and matchstick counting) but not this flick. It starts with about 1 million decapitations before the main title even pops up. In fact, I'm pretty sure the title decapitates somebody. I give this flick 10 meatballs. 

Why meatballs? Because this movie is from the creator of Death Trance and...

What can I say about Meatball Machine? Nothing at all. Ok something. The best I can figure is its an adult version of The Power Rangers. Okay, that doesn't do it justice because it's so much more. It's a love story of forbidden love. It's a sci-fi thriller meets moral decisions in a post-9/11 world. It's ... 

Well, maybe this picture will help:

No? Oh, I get it - I wasn't clear. She's being driven by this little guy who's attached on her shoulder:

Makes sense now right?

My head hurts.