The Fog 2: Foggier! (Announcer: This time it's pissed!)

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone has a heart attack, there is no Fog 2.

Now that that's out of the way...

So last night I watched:

What? You mean that's not Stephen King's The Myst? Well, I dare you to find me a picture of the Movie Poster or even the DVD Box Art. No really, it doesn't exist! I typed The Myst into Google Images 58 different ways and all I got was the damn game. Didn't that game premiere on the Commodore 64? Anyhow, the movie was fantaboulos! Now, if you want to spend $8 extra, you can see the director's true vision for the film, but apparently the director's eyesight sucks cause that "vision" is black and white. I don't need to spend $8 to get my technicolor removed from my celluloid. But I digress...

This movie was amazing for many reasons, one of which is IT'S A STEPHEN KING MOVIE! 

Let's take a moment to reflect on that. 

Maximum Overdrive - Aliens cause lawnmowers, an electric turkey carver and a bunch of frakin' 18 wheelers to KILL! 

Oh, and they also cause a Coke machine at a little league game to...KILL! Better yet, it accomplishes this task by shooting cans at some dudes balls! 

But, it does have an entire soundtrack performed by AC/DC. (Mac really needs to invent a lightning bolt key) so ultimately I give the movie an F but the soundtrack a WE SALUTE YOU!

Next let us examine Dreamcatcher.

Well, we have aliens to blame again but its the director commentary that takes this one to new levels of suckatude. The guy actually says that during one not-really-famous-cause-the-movie-sucked-scene, he wanted "to do for toilets what Psycho did for showers." Take a moment to soak that in. I don't want anybody doing to toilets what Psycho did for showers. You know what Psycho did to the shower industry? It forced them to make see-through showers and shower curtains. Do you really want see-through toilets?! You go into the bathroom to brush your teeth and you glance over to your significant other to see BAM! a clear bowl full of poo! 

Fun!

But I digress again...

The Myst-The movie was classy, you know that old school Alfred Hitchcock Presents/Twilight Zone classy. One of those rare movies that has it's monster scare moments but dives deeper under the surface and makes us even more scared of the human monster. Wow, that was deep. Ultimately I give it 15 full Myst CD's, which ironically is how many discs it took to install the damn game in the first place. (All ratings based on 0-10 Myst CD's)

Oh, and the next morning I woke up to this:

I was pretty sure I was dead.

Oh yeah - Stop-Loss is sucking it up like a Town and Country burrito at the box office! How do the EverQuest kids say (?), "WOOT!"   

P.S. Maximum Overdrive had Emilio Estevez and was actually pretty good. But, I'm using good in it's original meaning which was "pudding."

UPDATE TO THIS BREAKING NEWS: So Crystalkei from such esteemed blogs like Inside a TV Addict's Mind made an interesting point. Only hippies and bad game developers apparently spell the paranormal gaseous cloud of water vapor M-Y-S-T. Stephen King and scientists apparently spell it M-I-S-T. I'm including this to uphold my outstanding journalistic integrity but I refuse to personally accept it because then I couldn't work in my Commodore 64 joke and we all know how rare those are. They're like Kelvin jokes - they only come around so often. Also I would feel stupid. So, the movie I watched was the French Director's Cut Le Myst.

A Cornucopia of Smorgasbordish Goodness!

I had a mini moviefest this last weekend which translates into a happy fun time for the rest of you. So without further ado...

W.W.B.D? or What would buddha do?

We started with The Nines:

What? A Ryan Reynold's film where he's not funny or Van Wilder? Yes, its true. And, the world hasn't stopped spinning. Neither has my head after this metaphysical tromp through three different versions of ol' Ryan. Seriously, my brain was raped while watching this movie, but in a good way. You know, if rape can be good. Buy this movie and watch it in front of your dumb friends to make you feel smarter. They'll be like, "Que?" and you'll be like, "Ah, Mr. Reynolds! Your poignant observations are so...poignant! Now, who wants Grey Poupon?"

I give this movie a Melt Your Mind Yo!

Next up was The Tripper.

If a hippie falls in the woods, do the trees really care?

Now I know you're thinking, "Hey, that's the crappy looking movie I saw at Target that was produced/directed by David Arquette and his wifey Courtney and stars Jason Mewes and other losers right?" Well, you forgot Pee-Wee Herman bitches! 

Oh, and you may not have noticed this. Take a good look:

That's right! The killer is dressed as Frakin' Ronald Reagan! 

He has a killer dog named Nancy!

He really, really hates Hippies!

He spouts Reaganisms and carved Just Say No into his pothead victims!

I give this movie 1 Bajillion Gorbachev's! 

Unless, you're a tree-hugging hippie democrat...then I give it 1/2 a Nader.

Sunday brought us this:

Its from the dude that did Empire Records! Awesome right? WRONG!

Midget medieval battle re-enactors, devil worshipers and a re-animated slutty looking blond chick couldn't even save this. 

I give it a Scott Speedman you're better as a damn Vampire/Werewolf thingie you waster of my time!

Saving the best for last...

Straight from Project Greenlight to your screen, this movie proves that Ben Affleck isn't worthless. No, I know what the poster looks like, but this isn't a lesbian monster movie-it's a genuinely funny B-Movie extravaganza. It meets the two important criteria...

Blood AND Boobs...

And while you wrap your mind around this picture get ready for this...

While searching for a Feast image I came across this poster for Hostel 2. It begs the question: Where are these promotional gems in America?

It's so Fetch!

Cover Art Strikes Again!

Damn you cover art! Damn you straight to hell, you damn dirty apes!

So, I was walking the wall at the good 'ol San Angelo Hastings 9608 "Your Entertainment Superstore" when I came across this eye-grabbing work of art:

How could anyone resist such an enticing box? It looks simply amazing doesn't it? A frakin' severed torso! A review from bloodydisgusting.com stating, "One of the best zombie films in decades." What is there not to like?

PLENTY.

First of all, Dimension EXTREME is now on my list with Lionsgate. Except this pile wasn't even watchable compared to Days of Darkness. Second, bloodydisgusting.com should be forced to exist only as a website dedicated to reviewing Barbie Mariposa for their grossly misleading quote. I did some research and found that their original review in it's entirety read: "One of the best zombie films in decades made for negative $45 and a dead pony and featuring the best mongoloids in the film industry."

Upon looking up the word mongoloid on Wikipedia, to make sure it meant what I though it meant, I came across this word/phrase: Craniofacial anthropometry.

And that's what I rate this crap: 1/2 a Craniofacial anthropometry.

I have never seen a movie have a frame rate issue. It could be excused I suppose, under certain circumstances, but I'm almost positive I wasn't watching this on a Sega CD so nevermind-I guess it can't.

I'm...so...angry...must...push...on...

So I watched this next:

That's right. She's a Japanese schoolgirl who fights crime WITH A YO-YO! A FRAKIN' YO-YO!

It's from the creator of Battle Royale!

It has a Japanese School girl kicking ass with a yo-yo!

A YO-YO!

This movie gets rated Hell Yeah!

"One of the best zombie films in decades and it doesn't even have zombies in it. But it does have a Japanese schoolgirl who kicks ass with a damn yo-yo!" ~ bloodandboobs.blogspot.com

Take that bloodydisgusting.com you commie bastard hippies!

OMFG!!! DOOMSDAY!!! (Exclamation marks rule!!!)

Ellipses rule too ... (that's for you Crystal!)

So...

I just saw Doomsday this weekend. Wow, wow, wubbzy was it good. Let me skip right to the rating: I give it 1 million hot dogs, two Pepsi Max's and a Malibu Stacy Dream Home!

Now, on to the spoilers...

A-Frakin-mazing!

I didn't quite know what to expect going in. I knew it was from one of my favorite writer/director/editor combos - the dude that did Dog Soldiers and The Descent so I had an idea. I thought.

I was wrong.

And by the looks of everyone else in the theater during the last 30 minute balls-to-the-wall gambit, so was everyone else.

Words can't describe the orgy of crazy awesomeness. Wait...I think words just did. To say this movie made Shoot 'em Up (amazing movie - easily rated 5 Spam cans) look like No County for Driving Miss Daisy is the understatement of the year, nay, millennium. I think the scene where our heroine fights a medieval knight to the death at a Medieval Times Castle in the year 2030ish and utters the quote, "I'm loosing my fucking mind" sums up what we were all thinking nicely.

I mean this in the nicest possible way - its like a Uwe Boll film if Uwe Boll could make a good film.

What starts as a semi-normal Resident Evil/28 Days Later film quickly spirals into a Mad Max/Escape from New York/Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Bentley Commercial assault on your mind. This movie seriously needs a decapitation counter.

The pacing was amazing, building to the break-neck pace of the ending. It kept you going "NO WAY!" all the way through without giving you time to catch your breath, but keeping you from completely hyperventilating on sheer awesomeness. I can't say enough about it except Watch it! Buy it! Make love to it! Amazing!

"Hungry? Have a piece of your friend!"


(Did I mention there were cannibals and knights and infected zombies and needlessly naked women. 'nuff said.)

Oh yeah, rounding out Sunday I watched No Country for Old Men. Excellent movie for an Oscar winner which we all know usually means BORING. Tommy Lee Jones was Grrrrreat! and so was bad hair dude. It caught the essence of Tejas beautifully and had some of the best dialog I've heard since Firefly. All in all, a great comedy by the Coen Brothers. As an action movie I give it a big pile of poo. As a comedy/dramedy I give it a 2 Cattle Killing Air-gun-thingies up! Way up!

Days of Darkness

One word. Okay, one acronym - WTF? Damn you Lionsgate! You can't make a movie, but you sure as hell can make cover art. Seriously, Days of Darkness has some of the best cover art I've seen. In fact, if I base this review off the cover art it gets 100 Hot Dogs. And we all know how awesome hot dogs are. But alas, a movie came with the cover art, and that movie was crap. I've always said it takes a bad movie to appreciate the really good ones. Well, after watching this I've even come to appreciate Barbie in Fairytopia. I would say my following comments contain spoilers but it would be really hard to spoil this movie for somebody. It asks us to set through 5 hours (I think that's how long it was) of made for DVD acting, handicam quality filming and 3rd grade drama quality make up. What does it give us in return? One bad boob shot, some crazy preacher dude, several penis/ball sack combos falling off and vagina monsters. Oh yeah, and some crazy zombie-turned alien-turned human/alien hybrid subplot. Fortunately, the writer/director (imagine-he's the same guy) wrapped the movie up masterfully with no loose ends. That's right folks! He used the good ole' Booze and Guns Cures Everything ending. Cheap bourbon can kill the zombie-alien master race?! I didn't see that coming. 

As stated earlier I give the DVD cover art 100 Hot Dogs. I give the DVD inside a Major Blow.