Yo-Yo's and Cow Demons

"The power you wield is that of ... JUSTICE!"

So begins Sukeban Deka 2: Counter-attack of the Kazama Sisters. In this one Sukaban Deka III (they're all conveniently numbered so you don't get them confused) has to stick it to the man. Apparently, the law is too lawful and she must take her stand for lawful lawlessness. Or something. They do stuff like, you know, kill you for truancy. Or selling nuclear weapons in school. I'm particularly satisfied that truancy and nuclear proliferation warrant the same punishment. Basically, its a touching story of when good yo-yo carrying school police forces go bad and must be stopped ... AT ALL COSTS!

The kickin' 80's soundtrack is back for this one but this time it's supplemented with music composed by the guy that did The People's Court or maybe the undergound levels in Super Mario Bros. You can also tell this is a sequel because it really ups the ante on excitement. Like adding blades to the Yo-Yo's making them Scythes of Death (I'm copywriting that). And dressing all the good bad guys ...er...bad good guys (whatever) as the Foot Clan.

So anyhow, unfortunately for the bad guys, when the Yo-Yo wielding Nazi youth kill the Kazama sisters mentor Mr. Yoda (no, really) it's time for Yuma and Yuki to join Yui and spring into action. That's Sukaban Deka I, II, and III for those keeping count.

"They're just little kids (!) ... why are you being so merciless with those yo-yo's!?!? - Sukaban Deka III (Yui Kazuma)

Why indeed?

I give this movie 17 blazing Filipino Yo-Yo's! The killing kind.

Now it's Takashi Time!

So, I can't believe I've never reviewed the solid gold that was Takashi Miike's Gozu.

In typical Miike fashion this movie is fraked. It's all about a dude that has a hit put on him by his own people because he's gone crazy and believes specially trained puppies and sedans are out to kill him. He ends up dead (I won't actually ruin the plot for you with the hows and whys) and lost when his buddy (who's sent to kill him) loses his corpse from the back seat of his mustang when he stops in a cafe for a drink. Not confused yet? Well hang on a tic. So his buddy starts looking for him everywhere, including an inn with a lactating inn keeper who bottles her boobie milk for sale and gets visited by ...

Yes, a cow demon. So eventually buddy boy finds a chick who claims to be his long lost boss (the corpse). He has sex with her (cause who wouldn't) and gets his penis stuck in her. Well, it turns out something grabbed it...

And then comes the best birth scene since Knocked Up...

Yep, thats his lost boss man. Oh, he was IN the lady...duh!

And they all joined hands and skipped to a freeze frame...really.

I can't say anything witty to that. How could you. I'm also forgoing a rating. It's Takashi Miike. Either you rushed to buy it the second I said Miike or your shut off your computer.

Sukeban Deka Baby!

I'm sure you're all aware of my love affair with Yo-Yo Girl Cop! Well, apparently Japan has been catering to the needs of Japanese-schoolgirls-turned-deadly-ninja-yo-yo-assassin-law-enforcement-agents fans for sometime now. 

Enter Sukaban Deka and Sukaban Deka 2: Counter-Attack of the Kazama Sisters!

These things have been pumping out since the 80's and these movies encompass everything that was great about the 80's and silent yo-yo killers.

If you don't remember, the 80's was that awesome time that was just like the 90's - only ten years earlier.  This movie took that awesomeness and combined it with a killer 80's J-pop soundtrack and all the things that made the decade great...like Magnum P.I. and the Iron Eagle movies. And Robocop 3. And New Coke. And communism.

You know Robocop had a series. I think it was called Robocop: The Series.

So anyhow, this chick reluctantly has to leave her wonderful pre-college/post-yo-yo ninja assassin life behind and rescue the poor children of HELL CASTLE.

Which is actually a school. (Japan's education system is a bitch.)

I won't give anything away (except maybe the middle and end) but she ends up fighting this dude WHO HAS A METAL HAND! Take that George Lucas!

Turns out he is really a cyborg that was reconstructed as PURE EVIL when he got blowed up good in an earlier movie that doesn't exist.

Hmmm...robocop much? Ahh...the 80's.

Anyhow, she defeats them with the most cunning tactic ever employed in any movie I've ever seen. Immediately after the big reveal that he is a CYBORG OF DOOM she kills him with a jump cut!

No really. The scene jumps from his very much alive face to her running from the exploding building he was just in.

Lazy editing you say? Nay! Ballsy as hell. I don't like to be spoon-fed the plot so this movie was perfect. It just omitted it.

Imagine how much better Star Wars would have been if Vader said, "Luke, I am your father!" and then the death star blew up.

Amazing.

I give this movie a ...

The End

(did you see what I just did? yep, I'm clever.)

If you're really good, maybe I'll tell you what the sequel was about when I review Gozu.