I don't understand life...

So I watched this...

I don't even know what to say to this. It's about a gay space captain that sucks at killing himself. Also about the worst parents ever, hamster snuff films, and Liv Tyler. The end. I give it one. Just one. Whatever that means. Makes more sense than this damn movie. Actually this should sum it up...

Hey B! Five by Five. I get that. I do!

I just finished Dollhouse. That's a lie. I just finished Fringe (which was awesome!) but since my mind works in mysterious ways that made me think of Dollhouse and...well...whatever.

Dollhouse was pretty good. But it suffered from a little problem I call Eliza Dushku. She has the acting range of what I call...well...tell you what - you make the call:

...in Buffy

...in Wrong Turn

...in Dollhouse

...in the upcoming game Wet

Typecast much?

And while we're critiquing Dollhouse, I have a startling theory regarding Sierra and Lola. See what I mean?

Shipboard Shorts: Episode 01

Welcome to the first edition of Shipboard Shorts. With the help of my wifey, I’m going to try to post quick thoughts on all the crappy movies they show to poor Sailors stuck on big metal boxes in the Pacific. (It is my belief that these movies, combined with poor nutrition, lack of sunlight and close quarters are all part of a giant government social experiment on a level not seen since Nazi Germany.) My plan is to make this an almost daily update. Because that is what the world needs right now - more bad news.

So what movie did we see today? Well, I’ll give you a hint. When you think of a major motion picture franchise that could use a reboot or sequel, what is the first franchise that pops in your head? Street Fighter of course! Enter Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung Li! Or Street Fighter: The Chung Li Diaries. Something. I can’t remember the title. Not that it matters. Awesomeness on that level can’t have a name. Scientists tried it once during World War II and Hiroshima happened.

If you’re like me and the rest of the universe, the idea of another Jean-Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie melted your face. Unfortunately, Jean was no where to be seen in this movie so I’m going to have to rate it on a system based on his tears.

Strangely, Chris Klein was present as a badass Interpol commando/agent. I never knew an agency solely responsible for DVD piracy had such a commando task force backing them. I’m definitely thinking twice before I rip any more Netflix movies. Crap. Interpol, I was just kidding! Please don’t send your Shock Troops to my door.

This movie could have been just a lame kung fu beat ‘em up if not for the awesome direction it took with the main character. Fresh off the success of Benjamin Button the director used a similar movie making trick. Apparently, as Chung Li aged she became more white and less Asian. She started as an 8 year old Chinese Girl and morphed into a 20 something white chick of Asian-y decent as the movie progressed.

I was very impressed at her acting skills. One example that sticks out to me is when her friend handed her an ornate ancient scroll and said, “This came for you in the mail today.” A lesser actress would have instantly walked off stage at that point and pursued a career in Broadway. But not Smallville girl. (By the way, Chung Li is played by a very Canadian Kristin Kreuk.) She took that script and made it her bitch. Ancient Scroll in the mail? Must happen everyday for her. Masterful!

On second thought, this was either the worst movie since Candyland: The New Adventures of Milton and Bradley, or the greatest episode of Smallville ever!

I give it 7 pints of Jean-Claude Van Damme tears.

Place Holder Title (Cause I'm just not that creative)

I'm sure some of you think I've abandoned my blog. The rest of you probably think I just haven't watched any movies. Neither is true. 

The problem is I just haven't seen any bad movies. How does a guy write a blog about awesomly bad movies when the worst movie I've seen recently is Watchmen? Besides the obvious giant blue penis jokes (obvious = boring) the movie wasn't bad. Star Trek was actually face melting - so no fun there. The biggest hope I had for fodder was Twilight which I finally saw ... Twice (don't ask). 

However, even though it seemed an easy target with its crap vampire "lore" (insert snickering) and strange romantic theory that gagging at the site of a girl and sneaking in her room at night to masturbate while she sleep's is romantic, it had one secret weapon of awesomeness up its sleeve. 

Alice.

Sweet, sweet Alice.

Sweet, sweet Alice in a baseball uniform.

Nope. Can't say anything negative here.

Only thing possibly more awesome than Alice is a duology (because trilogy's are sooo 1999) I pulled out of my library to finally watch today. 

Night Watch and Day Watch. 

Warning for all you stupid American's out there: These movies are Russian. Which means GASP! subtitles. Do yourself a favor and watch them with subtitles. Night Watch especially - the subtitles are their own special effect. 

Anywho...

These movies are Fan-Frakin-Tastic. You'll love them. Your woman friend will love them. Your pets will love them. So if they're so Fraktastic why is it you never heard of them? 

Russian...hello?! American's can't handle a smart movie from farther away than California. It has to be remade first. Take Quarantine (oh yeah, I just watched that too. Good flick. Easy 72 out of 56.) It was a remake of a Spanish film...only one year old! 

American Mentality: 

History Channel: "We are going to restore this building to the way it looked over 50 years ago."

American People: "NO. IMPOSSIBLE! PEOPLE WERN'T ALIVE THEN!!!"

(Heavily plagiarized in part from Eddie Izzard the greatest man alive.)

What was I saying? Oh, Night/Day Watch. Right. Greatest take on Vampire lore ... EVER. Better than Buffy. Better than True Blood. Better than (snicker) Twilight (snicker). Mmmmm...Alice.

I give the duo 54 Lemon Chu-hi's.

I give her 1 trapezillion.

Moulin Boobs!

I'LL TESTIFY!!!

That I just witnessed awesome...AND IT SET ME FREE! HALLELUJAH!

Just coming down off my high of Tokyo Gore Police I get slammed with this smorgasbord of delectable awesomeness! Necrophilia never looked so good!

(DISCLAIMER: This movie has nothing at all to do with Necrophilia. I think.)

But it does have DJ Granny and Paris Hilton basically playing herself strangely. See...

But don't let that stop you. She's actually good! (Probably because she's only in the movie for 5 minutes. And probably because her face falls off.)

And it has other great actors like:

Sarah Brightman (wait WTF?)

Ok ... other great actors like:

Anthony Stewart Head!!! Ok fine! You know...Giles from Buffy?!

Here posing for their awkward prom photo?!?!?!

ANYHOW...

This movie will (quite literally) ROCK YOUR FRAKING FACE OFF!!!

More precisely: GOTH/INDUSTRIAL/ROCK YOUR FACE OFF!!!

So, in the future genetic diseases have been cured thanks to GENECO's line of body parts. And they have a credit plan! But be careful. Because if you can't make your payments on that shiny new liver ... The Repo Man will get ya! This movie is what Sweeney Todd would be if ... well ... Sweeney Todd wasn't ubergay. Seriously, the music is good. Real good! There IS a DJ Granny!

Oh, and the movie has layers, if, you know, you like to think and stuff. 

And lots of blood.

And boobs. (Not Paris'. YAY!)

Obviously, the hotdog scale is still broken so this movie gets 4 Colposopy's!

And you know what that means ladies!

PS. I'd be remiss not to share this awesomeness brought to you by hackers in my great state of Texas.

Actual Texas Highway Sign. 

SHPADOINKLE!!! (When words can't describe awesomeness and transcend the formally unatainable score of 1 million hot dogs)

That's right folks.

The glass ceiling has been shattered. And I'm not talking about the inauguration of Obama (I rate that 1 Vienna Sausage)

For those of you that follow my blog religiously, and are probably a little annoyed I've neglected you for Buffy and Angel marathons lately, you know that the ultimate score in the universe on the "awesome scale" is one million hotdogs. Some movies are close. The Machine Girl was one if you recall. As was Doomsday. I only mention this to establish the caliber of movie we're dealing with here. Well, everything I know has been tossed out the window. I can't even trust science and math as a universal constant because a hot dog scale currently has no meaning to me. I feel hollow on the inside. And yet, strangely warm and squishy. What movie caused this you ask? Brace yourself...

SHPADOINKLE!!! What does it take to make such a pedigree? Only the producers of The Machine Girl, Death Trance and Flesh for the Beast and staring crazy creepy girl from Takashi Miike's masterpiece Audition.

Word's cannot describe this movie, but neither can pictures. I was going to try to upload some of my favorite scenes, until I realized I would probably be banned from blogspot, have the FBI raid my house Hackers style, take my kid and computer away, and have me spend the rest of my life at Guantanamo Bay. So I will give you this, the dullest scene from the movie.

Soak that picture in. This is from the very beginning, after a routine battle against a dude that had his arm chopped off and grew a chainsaw arm only to have that one chopped off in a chainsaw duel. Nine minutes into the 2 hour movie the Title Screen rolls by. By that point I had already seen more violence than in Troma's entire library of films combined.

Where The Machine Girl was cult-camp with a splattering of gore, this movie was a serious horror-fest. A privatized and corrupt police force/government. An anarchy driven serial killer. Strippers with mouths in their breasts and killers with Penis cannons. Wait...um...

Not that it took itself too seriously. The in-movie Starship Trooper-esque commercials (with a cute typical Asian twist that's all too realistic) for police recruiting, "cute" razor blades for school girls that want to cut themselves (you have to stay fashionable..."now in pink!" "Hello Kitty!") and families playing a wii torture game together were HI-larious!

I honestly don't know how to rate this masterpiece. This movie made Takashi Miike's own Vistor Q look like an afterschool special and that movie opened with the famous line "Have you ever done it with your Dad?" and featured a lactating mom flooding the kitchen with her over active mammaries. This movie goes WAY beyond that.

I honestly don't want to ruin anything. Just buy it. Watch it. Love it.

Unfortuantely, the rating system is now broken until I pull myself together.

Ok, fine, I'll leave you with one more picture...

No...I can't. I tried. But I can't. I will leave you with this I found though...

A SEQUEL IS COMING TO MACHINE GIRL!!!

All That Glitters Is Gold

So, I realize I've been back in Japan for awhile and haven't posted a new review lately, not even a quick review of a generic-crazy-haired-rage-filled-Japanese-school-girl-horror movie that are so prevalent here they give them away with Happy Meals. (Not the movies, the ghost girls.) 

But, I have a good excuse.

I haven't watched any movies. (Unless you count Get Smart as a movie, and I don't.)

See, I've been too busy watching Twilight The Series.

Sorry. That picture confused me. I meant Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This picture confused the crap out of me. 

I'm watching seasons 1 - 7 straight through and I must say...I HATE RILEY, AND DAWN, AND SEASON 1 AND 2 ANGEL, AND DAWN, AND SEASONS THAT DON'T HAVE FAITH, AND DAWN, AND JOYCE (she's a complainy pants) OH AND DAWN!

I'm not even sure I'll make it through season Season 5 without shooting up a post office since I have to deal with both Riley AND Dawn. 

Oh, I'm sorry! I realize some of you may never had sean Buffy (being bred on such drivel as um...Twilight) so let me sum it up with this totally awesome picture that sums up all 7 seasons.

As you can see, its a Fabio-style romance series with music by Evanescence. 

So, again, I appologize - I'll be taking a break for some movie watching between Buffy Season 7 and Angel Season 1. Loves!