The Comedy Musings of Tolstoy!

Who knew Russians were so funny? Wait, they're not. In their defense, I'm pretty sure Russia sucks. I mean, why else are they coming across our borders and stealing all our jobs? But when a movie touts the line, "If you liked movies like Severance and Shaun of the Dead you will definitely get a kick out of this BRILLIANT HORROR COMEDY," you expect a guffaw or two. In retrospect I should have known they were up to something - who the hell puts an entire paragraph blurb on the front of the box? And why is Stephen Dorff in it?

Botched tries to master the art of British "awkward funny." Instead, its just awkward. These people have all the excitement and joy of a Celebrating Stalin Convention - Trust me, that's Russia's equivalent of E3.

It has a stellar cast though. A grumpy fat russian man. A grumpy ex-russian solider. A grumpy hot chick. A grumpy stupid guy. An old grumpy fat Jesus-lady.

Look! Here's Grumpy Hot Chick killing Grumpy Jesus-lady, presumably 'cause she's grumpy!

Why is this funny? Well, because she's killing her ... with a nail file! HILARIOUS! (?!?!?!?)

I give this movie one of these:

Now that's Zany!

Moving on to a good movie.

Gun Crazy: The Woman From Nowhere.

Now that's a movie title. This movie features everything good about Japanese cinema. It also shows how much Japan hates Americans. Sure our Marines rape their children and back over them accidently with our tanks, but forgive and forget right? Not only are the American soldiers in this movie represented as raving lunatic-murdering-idiots, but they actually dub their voices with even dumber English voice actors saying even dumber things. It's awesome to see an English dude dubbed over in English. You can only imagine the director was like, "Stupid American actor. I am directing a new version of Hamlet! It will be Fantabulous! Just read these lines. That's right! Excellent! Of course I'm not going to record over all your dialog in post-production and make you look like the idiots you really are. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Or something.

And since I couldn't find a totally awesome picture of the main character killing the bad guys with her rocket launcher leg (you heard that right) I'm leaving you with this picture of the actress on the latest issue of J-POP Monthly. 

Oh, by the way, this movie will rock your face off! And if you have ADD, its only like 70 something minutes long. 70 minutes of PURE AWESOME!

Which brings us to:

Coffin Sitter 2: I Hate Underwear!

Wait, no, that's Death Trance. 

First of all, the title alone screams RADICAL! But the movie is superb. You'd be forgiven if you had no idea what the movie was about based on the picture so allow me to clarify. It's about a perpetually hungry ninja that stole a coffin and drags it around behind him with a little girl. Now the locals thinks he eats little girls but that's just not true - he drinks milk. So rival ninja's and spider vampire ninja's and zombie ninja's and hot ninja's and gay ninja's go after him because (of course) the coffin grant's your wishes. But the coffin dude is actually a fallen angel with amnesia and has to go to heaven to fight in a huge final "war in heaven" battle. Makes perfect since. 

Oh, and it's historically accurate. See... 

This movie gets 11 Gay Ninja's! The Happy Kind!

... Happily Homosexual.