Dane Cook Is Not Funny!

He’s not.

So get him off my Battlestar Galactica. Seriously, Anders – you got to go.

Sorry, I’ll leave the TV talk to my wife.

Ok, at the risk of sounding gay, Stardust was a good movie. And the Coca-Cola Polar Bears are a cute advertising campaign. So putting them together and calling it The Golden Compass sounds like an obvious idea to create a shear awesome quota of 1 bazillion. Instead, it turned into one of my long-time reoccurring nightmares. 

Those cute ‘lil bears from the previews look so cuddlely don’t they? Well, in this scene they’re discussing ways to eat her face off!

I have never seen  movie so intent on making me pee my bed when thinking about monkeys, polar bears, Catholics or Nicole Kidman.

I had a friend say she would watch this movie just for Daniel Craig. Unfortunately, Mr. Bond was only in the film for a total of 2.2 seconds. Unless you count the part where it shows him somewhere else doing something that has no bearing on the movie, at which point we can up the count to 2.4 seconds.

I give this film 1 New Coke.

That’s actually a bit harsh. Upon further reflection, if a movie is scary enough to give me face eating nightmares it deserves a re-review.

As a Harry Potter replacement the 1 New Coke stands.

As a psychological horror film it gets 6 C2: Coke 2 (Same great taste, ½ the Sugar!)

Yum-OH!

So I watched The Ruins the other day.

It was the most horrifying plant horror movie since The Day of the Triffids. So, yes – it was about as scary as jam. But it did have talking flowers. SCARY!

I give it a I Hope You Die On Deadly Nightshade.

Anyhow, on to Shutter.

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called…er…Shutter. Really, the Asian Ghost Girl remakes have to stop. This one might have been scary – I’m not sure, I’m pretty desensitized – but it was mostly just “eh.” I must give it props for a great ending/twist. Who would have thought that all of Pacey’s back problems were due to the fact that the ghost was haunting him … while riding him piggyback THE WHOLE MOVIE! A piggyback riding ghost…EEEEEK! So basically this movie redeems itself in the last 5 HILARIOUS minutes. Best comedy remake ever.

Abnormal Beauty blew my mind in that I’m going to sneak up and get you way Audition did. I was about ready to pass this movie off as another dullsville crazy Asian girl Horror film when suddenly that crappy story arc resolved itself and we went all Slasher/Saw. Wh-Wh-What? I haven’t been this surprised since crazy girl in Audition piano-wired ol’boys hands and feet off. Or maybe since Doomsday. Mmmm…Doomsday.

HotDog Magazine calls Abnormal Beauty, “blisteringly weird and genuinely disturbing.” I tend to agree with them even though I have my reservations as to why a magazine about tasty, tasty meat products is reviewing a movie. Of course, they couldn’t be any worse than bloodydisgusting.com. Bastards. You know what I’m talking about.

So I give Abnormal Beauty 6 Keanu Reeves’ Whoas.

And I want to leave you with this:

I like to check the local second-run theater’s web site out every day to see what’s showing that evening. Today I was treated to an extra special treat. Observe this quote taken straight form the theater’s description of Superhero Movie:

“With unimaginable strength, unbelievable speed and deeply uncomfortable tights, will the Dragonfly be able to stop the sands of The Hourglass and save the world? More importantly, will we stop laughing long enough to notice?” 

I don't know? Will we? 

That’s FANFRAKINTABULOUS!