Welcome to the first edition of Shipboard Shorts. With the help of my wifey, I’m going to try to post quick thoughts on all the crappy movies they show to poor Sailors stuck on big metal boxes in the Pacific. (It is my belief that these movies, combined with poor nutrition, lack of sunlight and close quarters are all part of a giant government social experiment on a level not seen since Nazi Germany.) My plan is to make this an almost daily update. Because that is what the world needs right now - more bad news.
So what movie did we see today? Well, I’ll give you a hint. When you think of a major motion picture franchise that could use a reboot or sequel, what is the first franchise that pops in your head? Street Fighter of course! Enter Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung Li! Or Street Fighter: The Chung Li Diaries. Something. I can’t remember the title. Not that it matters. Awesomeness on that level can’t have a name. Scientists tried it once during World War II and Hiroshima happened.
If you’re like me and the rest of the universe, the idea of another Jean-Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie melted your face. Unfortunately, Jean was no where to be seen in this movie so I’m going to have to rate it on a system based on his tears.
Strangely, Chris Klein was present as a badass Interpol commando/agent. I never knew an agency solely responsible for DVD piracy had such a commando task force backing them. I’m definitely thinking twice before I rip any more Netflix movies. Crap. Interpol, I was just kidding! Please don’t send your Shock Troops to my door.
This movie could have been just a lame kung fu beat ‘em up if not for the awesome direction it took with the main character. Fresh off the success of Benjamin Button the director used a similar movie making trick. Apparently, as Chung Li aged she became more white and less Asian. She started as an 8 year old Chinese Girl and morphed into a 20 something white chick of Asian-y decent as the movie progressed.
I was very impressed at her acting skills. One example that sticks out to me is when her friend handed her an ornate ancient scroll and said, “This came for you in the mail today.” A lesser actress would have instantly walked off stage at that point and pursued a career in Broadway. But not Smallville girl. (By the way, Chung Li is played by a very Canadian Kristin Kreuk.) She took that script and made it her bitch. Ancient Scroll in the mail? Must happen everyday for her. Masterful!
On second thought, this was either the worst movie since Candyland: The New Adventures of Milton and Bradley, or the greatest episode of Smallville ever!
I give it 7 pints of Jean-Claude Van Damme tears.
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