SHPADOINKLE!!! (When words can't describe awesomeness and transcend the formally unatainable score of 1 million hot dogs)

That's right folks.

The glass ceiling has been shattered. And I'm not talking about the inauguration of Obama (I rate that 1 Vienna Sausage)

For those of you that follow my blog religiously, and are probably a little annoyed I've neglected you for Buffy and Angel marathons lately, you know that the ultimate score in the universe on the "awesome scale" is one million hotdogs. Some movies are close. The Machine Girl was one if you recall. As was Doomsday. I only mention this to establish the caliber of movie we're dealing with here. Well, everything I know has been tossed out the window. I can't even trust science and math as a universal constant because a hot dog scale currently has no meaning to me. I feel hollow on the inside. And yet, strangely warm and squishy. What movie caused this you ask? Brace yourself...

SHPADOINKLE!!! What does it take to make such a pedigree? Only the producers of The Machine Girl, Death Trance and Flesh for the Beast and staring crazy creepy girl from Takashi Miike's masterpiece Audition.

Word's cannot describe this movie, but neither can pictures. I was going to try to upload some of my favorite scenes, until I realized I would probably be banned from blogspot, have the FBI raid my house Hackers style, take my kid and computer away, and have me spend the rest of my life at Guantanamo Bay. So I will give you this, the dullest scene from the movie.

Soak that picture in. This is from the very beginning, after a routine battle against a dude that had his arm chopped off and grew a chainsaw arm only to have that one chopped off in a chainsaw duel. Nine minutes into the 2 hour movie the Title Screen rolls by. By that point I had already seen more violence than in Troma's entire library of films combined.

Where The Machine Girl was cult-camp with a splattering of gore, this movie was a serious horror-fest. A privatized and corrupt police force/government. An anarchy driven serial killer. Strippers with mouths in their breasts and killers with Penis cannons. Wait...um...

Not that it took itself too seriously. The in-movie Starship Trooper-esque commercials (with a cute typical Asian twist that's all too realistic) for police recruiting, "cute" razor blades for school girls that want to cut themselves (you have to stay fashionable..."now in pink!" "Hello Kitty!") and families playing a wii torture game together were HI-larious!

I honestly don't know how to rate this masterpiece. This movie made Takashi Miike's own Vistor Q look like an afterschool special and that movie opened with the famous line "Have you ever done it with your Dad?" and featured a lactating mom flooding the kitchen with her over active mammaries. This movie goes WAY beyond that.

I honestly don't want to ruin anything. Just buy it. Watch it. Love it.

Unfortuantely, the rating system is now broken until I pull myself together.

Ok, fine, I'll leave you with one more picture...

No...I can't. I tried. But I can't. I will leave you with this I found though...

A SEQUEL IS COMING TO MACHINE GIRL!!!

All That Glitters Is Gold

So, I realize I've been back in Japan for awhile and haven't posted a new review lately, not even a quick review of a generic-crazy-haired-rage-filled-Japanese-school-girl-horror movie that are so prevalent here they give them away with Happy Meals. (Not the movies, the ghost girls.) 

But, I have a good excuse.

I haven't watched any movies. (Unless you count Get Smart as a movie, and I don't.)

See, I've been too busy watching Twilight The Series.

Sorry. That picture confused me. I meant Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This picture confused the crap out of me. 

I'm watching seasons 1 - 7 straight through and I must say...I HATE RILEY, AND DAWN, AND SEASON 1 AND 2 ANGEL, AND DAWN, AND SEASONS THAT DON'T HAVE FAITH, AND DAWN, AND JOYCE (she's a complainy pants) OH AND DAWN!

I'm not even sure I'll make it through season Season 5 without shooting up a post office since I have to deal with both Riley AND Dawn. 

Oh, I'm sorry! I realize some of you may never had sean Buffy (being bred on such drivel as um...Twilight) so let me sum it up with this totally awesome picture that sums up all 7 seasons.

As you can see, its a Fabio-style romance series with music by Evanescence. 

So, again, I appologize - I'll be taking a break for some movie watching between Buffy Season 7 and Angel Season 1. Loves!

Guam Movie Festival

Yes, they have movies there…and they suck…

That’s not completely true. There is something special about an entire country only having two theaters – one resembling the theater frequented by Zack and sweet, sweet Kelly on Saved by the Bell, and one claiming to be “Guams ONLY stadium-style theater!”

Mind you, it’s not particularly hard to be Guam’s ONLY anything.

Which brings us to two amazing cinematic feasts…

…of poo.

Let’s start with Max Payne.

I was hopeful, dare I say excited, going into this movie. I apparently forgot that A) videogame movies suck B) the movie based on a M rated game was only PG-13 and C) videogame movies suck. (Disclaimer: Resident Evil/Silent Hill movies ROCK FACES OFF! It’s science!)

There is something very wrong with the actors and acting when Meg from the Family Guy is the most convincing character as a Russian Slut Killer. Marky Mark, apparently forgetting he at one time acted in such movies as The Italian Job and The Happening, reverted back into his pre-Sega CD hit Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make Your Own Video school of acting. I actually felt sorry for him. He looked confused and in the desperate need of some Tylenol. I would be confused to if some douche wrote a script that basically amounted to, “Hey cameraman, let’s copy that sweeping crane shot they used in Spiderman and transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Superman and then transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Mary Kate and Ashley Olson’s Great Hello Kitty Adventure! Marky Mark…you just stand there with brow furled. EXCELLENT! Oh, and add some CG demon/angel thingies just for the HELL OF IT! No, No, they’re symbolic of…something…I promise! I think.”

This movie proves Nordic Drug Induced Mythology sucks. I give it: .62 Jimmy Buffet Albums.

Next up, Eagle Eye!

Now, here’s a safe bet. I mean, Shia Ledouche and Steven Spielberg together again! Look how good that worked out in Indiana Jones 4!

Ugh…wait…

So, this movie started out with a bang. In fact, if you walked out of the theater after the first 15 minutes congratulate yourself – this movie is on its way to receive the ultimate score of One Million Hotdogs!

However, if you stayed long enough to find out the creepy phone chick was just a scorned/PMSing super computer that wanted her boyfriend to become President by careful manipulation of stoplights then you suck at life.

This movie gets 2 and a half Indiana Jones 4’s which technically creates a negative vortex of suck.

Korean Movie Festival

Hey, there’s more to love there than just Juicy Girls!

Ok, I really did attend the Pusan International Film Festival while in Korea. And by attend, I mean I walked by the information booth on my way to Pizza Hut to eat my Bulgogi and Kimchi Personal Pan Pizza.

But, I did frequent the bootleg DVD shops while I was there (which I don’t condone and ABSOLUTELY DID NOT buy about 25,000 won (or $.99) worth of DVDs.) Besides, they looked legit in their plastic baggies and black and white cover art.

Of the movies I didn’t buy I’ve watched two so far:

First off, Death Race!

 

There is nothing really to say. It has Jason Statham (voted sexiest man alive by my wife and several co-workers, not to mention the hardest working omniscient being in Hollywood.) And it’s based on Death Race 2000 which actually came out in like 197X(?)!

Based on my No Child Left Behind Rating System, Death Race and Death Race 2000 both receive a rating of 900,000 Hotdogs. Just short of the ultimate rating allowed by God.

Where Death Race features no plot and ample blood and guts, Death Race 2000 features Sly Stalone, Kill Bill and blood and boobs. Also, it left us with the little game where you get points for hitting old blind children on walkers with your car. Come on! You know you played it when you were 16!

Amazing.

Then there is The Happening.

M. Night Shamamamamamamamamamalyn is really losing his touch. I bet his next movie’s “twist” will consist of him coming out at the end of the movie and laughing at us for watching his crap.

And while I love my dear sweet Zooey Deschanel, her Prozac induced coma look didn’t really do anything for me.

The biggest disappointment for me was the much hyped R Rating. My daughter’s Dora DVDs have more violence in them when Dora beats down that damn fox. I forget what this movie is about, but I’m pretty sure it has to deal with some chick who lives in a pool and sees dead aliens. One day she escapes her pool only to discover that … M. Night Shamamamamammamamamamamlyn sucks.

It’s okay though. I’ll still be in line to watch his next movie.

This movie gets 2 Queen Latifa’s. And trust me – that’s more than enough for anybody.  

Konichiwa Bitches!

Sorry, I realize the last time I updated was when Libertarians had a shot at the white house, but I'm back! Ok, maybe not. I leave again for all lands Pacific in another couple of days. But I'll be back before Turkey Day, And that's good. Cause that's when all the good horror movies hit. I also get to spend Halloween in Guam dressed as a monkey flinging chocolate pudding a passers-by. Don't ask.

Japan, though, is AMAZING! I could try to describe how amazing, but why do that when this one picture can say everything:

No soup cans will stop Bruce Campbell! Yes, this is the actual Japanese movie poster for Army of Darkness. 

Unfortunately, I don't really have any reviews to give you just now. The only really scary movie I've seen recently was Top Gun. This movie must have been truly groundbreaking when it first came out in the 80's with its graphic portrayal of homosexuality in the armed forces. I'm sure the Navy was not happy with the implication that they allowed oiled up homo volleyball matches at their famous "Top Gun Academy". 

Top Gun gets 3 FABulous Hello Kitties!

I'm going to go check out the Pang Brothers latest...see ya'll in a few!

Are you there God? It's me, Baby Jesus.

Sorry for the deafening silence. I've been busy watching totally awesome movies, and getting ready to go to Japan where I will (presumably) watch more awesome movies, try to meet Takashi Miike, and try not to rape Japanese schoolgirls with machine gun arms. But, have no fear - the reviews should start flying this week. I've got a lot of catching up to do: Bloodsucking Freaks, Redneck Zombies, Toxie, Terror Firmer, Death Race 2000, Alien Apocalypse, Bubba Ho-Tep...

See you in a few bitches!

Vagina Dentata Baby!

OSOL! (I hear it's catching on ... like Fetch!)

Anyhow...

Tonight I saw quite possibly the most amazing horror/thriller/comedy ever:

Whoa! It's like a horror version of Saved! McCauley Culkin could play the Vagina!

Ok, let me explain. Good Christian Girl here believes in purity and preaching the joys of virtue to the world. Unfortunately, she gets taken advantage of and almost raped ... twice. Good thing her Vagina has teeth huh? 

Words can't do this movie justice. So let me leave you with this counter:

Penis decapitations (?): 3

Penises eaten by some kind of animal: 2

Fingers bitten off: 4

Incest (almost): 1 (don't worry - it was comical incest!)

I give this movie 42 Prince Albert's!

Look! Here's 'ol girls OBGYN visit gone bad:

Best vagina movie of the year! I can't wait for the sequel: Boobs of Terror!