I don't understand life...

So I watched this...

I don't even know what to say to this. It's about a gay space captain that sucks at killing himself. Also about the worst parents ever, hamster snuff films, and Liv Tyler. The end. I give it one. Just one. Whatever that means. Makes more sense than this damn movie. Actually this should sum it up...

Hey B! Five by Five. I get that. I do!

I just finished Dollhouse. That's a lie. I just finished Fringe (which was awesome!) but since my mind works in mysterious ways that made me think of Dollhouse and...well...whatever.

Dollhouse was pretty good. But it suffered from a little problem I call Eliza Dushku. She has the acting range of what I call...well...tell you what - you make the call:

...in Buffy

...in Wrong Turn

...in Dollhouse

...in the upcoming game Wet

Typecast much?

And while we're critiquing Dollhouse, I have a startling theory regarding Sierra and Lola. See what I mean?

Shipboard Shorts: Episode 01

Welcome to the first edition of Shipboard Shorts. With the help of my wifey, I’m going to try to post quick thoughts on all the crappy movies they show to poor Sailors stuck on big metal boxes in the Pacific. (It is my belief that these movies, combined with poor nutrition, lack of sunlight and close quarters are all part of a giant government social experiment on a level not seen since Nazi Germany.) My plan is to make this an almost daily update. Because that is what the world needs right now - more bad news.

So what movie did we see today? Well, I’ll give you a hint. When you think of a major motion picture franchise that could use a reboot or sequel, what is the first franchise that pops in your head? Street Fighter of course! Enter Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung Li! Or Street Fighter: The Chung Li Diaries. Something. I can’t remember the title. Not that it matters. Awesomeness on that level can’t have a name. Scientists tried it once during World War II and Hiroshima happened.

If you’re like me and the rest of the universe, the idea of another Jean-Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie melted your face. Unfortunately, Jean was no where to be seen in this movie so I’m going to have to rate it on a system based on his tears.

Strangely, Chris Klein was present as a badass Interpol commando/agent. I never knew an agency solely responsible for DVD piracy had such a commando task force backing them. I’m definitely thinking twice before I rip any more Netflix movies. Crap. Interpol, I was just kidding! Please don’t send your Shock Troops to my door.

This movie could have been just a lame kung fu beat ‘em up if not for the awesome direction it took with the main character. Fresh off the success of Benjamin Button the director used a similar movie making trick. Apparently, as Chung Li aged she became more white and less Asian. She started as an 8 year old Chinese Girl and morphed into a 20 something white chick of Asian-y decent as the movie progressed.

I was very impressed at her acting skills. One example that sticks out to me is when her friend handed her an ornate ancient scroll and said, “This came for you in the mail today.” A lesser actress would have instantly walked off stage at that point and pursued a career in Broadway. But not Smallville girl. (By the way, Chung Li is played by a very Canadian Kristin Kreuk.) She took that script and made it her bitch. Ancient Scroll in the mail? Must happen everyday for her. Masterful!

On second thought, this was either the worst movie since Candyland: The New Adventures of Milton and Bradley, or the greatest episode of Smallville ever!

I give it 7 pints of Jean-Claude Van Damme tears.

Place Holder Title (Cause I'm just not that creative)

I'm sure some of you think I've abandoned my blog. The rest of you probably think I just haven't watched any movies. Neither is true. 

The problem is I just haven't seen any bad movies. How does a guy write a blog about awesomly bad movies when the worst movie I've seen recently is Watchmen? Besides the obvious giant blue penis jokes (obvious = boring) the movie wasn't bad. Star Trek was actually face melting - so no fun there. The biggest hope I had for fodder was Twilight which I finally saw ... Twice (don't ask). 

However, even though it seemed an easy target with its crap vampire "lore" (insert snickering) and strange romantic theory that gagging at the site of a girl and sneaking in her room at night to masturbate while she sleep's is romantic, it had one secret weapon of awesomeness up its sleeve. 

Alice.

Sweet, sweet Alice.

Sweet, sweet Alice in a baseball uniform.

Nope. Can't say anything negative here.

Only thing possibly more awesome than Alice is a duology (because trilogy's are sooo 1999) I pulled out of my library to finally watch today. 

Night Watch and Day Watch. 

Warning for all you stupid American's out there: These movies are Russian. Which means GASP! subtitles. Do yourself a favor and watch them with subtitles. Night Watch especially - the subtitles are their own special effect. 

Anywho...

These movies are Fan-Frakin-Tastic. You'll love them. Your woman friend will love them. Your pets will love them. So if they're so Fraktastic why is it you never heard of them? 

Russian...hello?! American's can't handle a smart movie from farther away than California. It has to be remade first. Take Quarantine (oh yeah, I just watched that too. Good flick. Easy 72 out of 56.) It was a remake of a Spanish film...only one year old! 

American Mentality: 

History Channel: "We are going to restore this building to the way it looked over 50 years ago."

American People: "NO. IMPOSSIBLE! PEOPLE WERN'T ALIVE THEN!!!"

(Heavily plagiarized in part from Eddie Izzard the greatest man alive.)

What was I saying? Oh, Night/Day Watch. Right. Greatest take on Vampire lore ... EVER. Better than Buffy. Better than True Blood. Better than (snicker) Twilight (snicker). Mmmmm...Alice.

I give the duo 54 Lemon Chu-hi's.

I give her 1 trapezillion.

Moulin Boobs!

I'LL TESTIFY!!!

That I just witnessed awesome...AND IT SET ME FREE! HALLELUJAH!

Just coming down off my high of Tokyo Gore Police I get slammed with this smorgasbord of delectable awesomeness! Necrophilia never looked so good!

(DISCLAIMER: This movie has nothing at all to do with Necrophilia. I think.)

But it does have DJ Granny and Paris Hilton basically playing herself strangely. See...

But don't let that stop you. She's actually good! (Probably because she's only in the movie for 5 minutes. And probably because her face falls off.)

And it has other great actors like:

Sarah Brightman (wait WTF?)

Ok ... other great actors like:

Anthony Stewart Head!!! Ok fine! You know...Giles from Buffy?!

Here posing for their awkward prom photo?!?!?!

ANYHOW...

This movie will (quite literally) ROCK YOUR FRAKING FACE OFF!!!

More precisely: GOTH/INDUSTRIAL/ROCK YOUR FACE OFF!!!

So, in the future genetic diseases have been cured thanks to GENECO's line of body parts. And they have a credit plan! But be careful. Because if you can't make your payments on that shiny new liver ... The Repo Man will get ya! This movie is what Sweeney Todd would be if ... well ... Sweeney Todd wasn't ubergay. Seriously, the music is good. Real good! There IS a DJ Granny!

Oh, and the movie has layers, if, you know, you like to think and stuff. 

And lots of blood.

And boobs. (Not Paris'. YAY!)

Obviously, the hotdog scale is still broken so this movie gets 4 Colposopy's!

And you know what that means ladies!

PS. I'd be remiss not to share this awesomeness brought to you by hackers in my great state of Texas.

Actual Texas Highway Sign. 

SHPADOINKLE!!! (When words can't describe awesomeness and transcend the formally unatainable score of 1 million hot dogs)

That's right folks.

The glass ceiling has been shattered. And I'm not talking about the inauguration of Obama (I rate that 1 Vienna Sausage)

For those of you that follow my blog religiously, and are probably a little annoyed I've neglected you for Buffy and Angel marathons lately, you know that the ultimate score in the universe on the "awesome scale" is one million hotdogs. Some movies are close. The Machine Girl was one if you recall. As was Doomsday. I only mention this to establish the caliber of movie we're dealing with here. Well, everything I know has been tossed out the window. I can't even trust science and math as a universal constant because a hot dog scale currently has no meaning to me. I feel hollow on the inside. And yet, strangely warm and squishy. What movie caused this you ask? Brace yourself...

SHPADOINKLE!!! What does it take to make such a pedigree? Only the producers of The Machine Girl, Death Trance and Flesh for the Beast and staring crazy creepy girl from Takashi Miike's masterpiece Audition.

Word's cannot describe this movie, but neither can pictures. I was going to try to upload some of my favorite scenes, until I realized I would probably be banned from blogspot, have the FBI raid my house Hackers style, take my kid and computer away, and have me spend the rest of my life at Guantanamo Bay. So I will give you this, the dullest scene from the movie.

Soak that picture in. This is from the very beginning, after a routine battle against a dude that had his arm chopped off and grew a chainsaw arm only to have that one chopped off in a chainsaw duel. Nine minutes into the 2 hour movie the Title Screen rolls by. By that point I had already seen more violence than in Troma's entire library of films combined.

Where The Machine Girl was cult-camp with a splattering of gore, this movie was a serious horror-fest. A privatized and corrupt police force/government. An anarchy driven serial killer. Strippers with mouths in their breasts and killers with Penis cannons. Wait...um...

Not that it took itself too seriously. The in-movie Starship Trooper-esque commercials (with a cute typical Asian twist that's all too realistic) for police recruiting, "cute" razor blades for school girls that want to cut themselves (you have to stay fashionable..."now in pink!" "Hello Kitty!") and families playing a wii torture game together were HI-larious!

I honestly don't know how to rate this masterpiece. This movie made Takashi Miike's own Vistor Q look like an afterschool special and that movie opened with the famous line "Have you ever done it with your Dad?" and featured a lactating mom flooding the kitchen with her over active mammaries. This movie goes WAY beyond that.

I honestly don't want to ruin anything. Just buy it. Watch it. Love it.

Unfortuantely, the rating system is now broken until I pull myself together.

Ok, fine, I'll leave you with one more picture...

No...I can't. I tried. But I can't. I will leave you with this I found though...

A SEQUEL IS COMING TO MACHINE GIRL!!!

All That Glitters Is Gold

So, I realize I've been back in Japan for awhile and haven't posted a new review lately, not even a quick review of a generic-crazy-haired-rage-filled-Japanese-school-girl-horror movie that are so prevalent here they give them away with Happy Meals. (Not the movies, the ghost girls.) 

But, I have a good excuse.

I haven't watched any movies. (Unless you count Get Smart as a movie, and I don't.)

See, I've been too busy watching Twilight The Series.

Sorry. That picture confused me. I meant Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This picture confused the crap out of me. 

I'm watching seasons 1 - 7 straight through and I must say...I HATE RILEY, AND DAWN, AND SEASON 1 AND 2 ANGEL, AND DAWN, AND SEASONS THAT DON'T HAVE FAITH, AND DAWN, AND JOYCE (she's a complainy pants) OH AND DAWN!

I'm not even sure I'll make it through season Season 5 without shooting up a post office since I have to deal with both Riley AND Dawn. 

Oh, I'm sorry! I realize some of you may never had sean Buffy (being bred on such drivel as um...Twilight) so let me sum it up with this totally awesome picture that sums up all 7 seasons.

As you can see, its a Fabio-style romance series with music by Evanescence. 

So, again, I appologize - I'll be taking a break for some movie watching between Buffy Season 7 and Angel Season 1. Loves!

Guam Movie Festival

Yes, they have movies there…and they suck…

That’s not completely true. There is something special about an entire country only having two theaters – one resembling the theater frequented by Zack and sweet, sweet Kelly on Saved by the Bell, and one claiming to be “Guams ONLY stadium-style theater!”

Mind you, it’s not particularly hard to be Guam’s ONLY anything.

Which brings us to two amazing cinematic feasts…

…of poo.

Let’s start with Max Payne.

I was hopeful, dare I say excited, going into this movie. I apparently forgot that A) videogame movies suck B) the movie based on a M rated game was only PG-13 and C) videogame movies suck. (Disclaimer: Resident Evil/Silent Hill movies ROCK FACES OFF! It’s science!)

There is something very wrong with the actors and acting when Meg from the Family Guy is the most convincing character as a Russian Slut Killer. Marky Mark, apparently forgetting he at one time acted in such movies as The Italian Job and The Happening, reverted back into his pre-Sega CD hit Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make Your Own Video school of acting. I actually felt sorry for him. He looked confused and in the desperate need of some Tylenol. I would be confused to if some douche wrote a script that basically amounted to, “Hey cameraman, let’s copy that sweeping crane shot they used in Spiderman and transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Superman and then transition into that sweeping crane shot they used in Mary Kate and Ashley Olson’s Great Hello Kitty Adventure! Marky Mark…you just stand there with brow furled. EXCELLENT! Oh, and add some CG demon/angel thingies just for the HELL OF IT! No, No, they’re symbolic of…something…I promise! I think.”

This movie proves Nordic Drug Induced Mythology sucks. I give it: .62 Jimmy Buffet Albums.

Next up, Eagle Eye!

Now, here’s a safe bet. I mean, Shia Ledouche and Steven Spielberg together again! Look how good that worked out in Indiana Jones 4!

Ugh…wait…

So, this movie started out with a bang. In fact, if you walked out of the theater after the first 15 minutes congratulate yourself – this movie is on its way to receive the ultimate score of One Million Hotdogs!

However, if you stayed long enough to find out the creepy phone chick was just a scorned/PMSing super computer that wanted her boyfriend to become President by careful manipulation of stoplights then you suck at life.

This movie gets 2 and a half Indiana Jones 4’s which technically creates a negative vortex of suck.

Korean Movie Festival

Hey, there’s more to love there than just Juicy Girls!

Ok, I really did attend the Pusan International Film Festival while in Korea. And by attend, I mean I walked by the information booth on my way to Pizza Hut to eat my Bulgogi and Kimchi Personal Pan Pizza.

But, I did frequent the bootleg DVD shops while I was there (which I don’t condone and ABSOLUTELY DID NOT buy about 25,000 won (or $.99) worth of DVDs.) Besides, they looked legit in their plastic baggies and black and white cover art.

Of the movies I didn’t buy I’ve watched two so far:

First off, Death Race!

 

There is nothing really to say. It has Jason Statham (voted sexiest man alive by my wife and several co-workers, not to mention the hardest working omniscient being in Hollywood.) And it’s based on Death Race 2000 which actually came out in like 197X(?)!

Based on my No Child Left Behind Rating System, Death Race and Death Race 2000 both receive a rating of 900,000 Hotdogs. Just short of the ultimate rating allowed by God.

Where Death Race features no plot and ample blood and guts, Death Race 2000 features Sly Stalone, Kill Bill and blood and boobs. Also, it left us with the little game where you get points for hitting old blind children on walkers with your car. Come on! You know you played it when you were 16!

Amazing.

Then there is The Happening.

M. Night Shamamamamamamamamamalyn is really losing his touch. I bet his next movie’s “twist” will consist of him coming out at the end of the movie and laughing at us for watching his crap.

And while I love my dear sweet Zooey Deschanel, her Prozac induced coma look didn’t really do anything for me.

The biggest disappointment for me was the much hyped R Rating. My daughter’s Dora DVDs have more violence in them when Dora beats down that damn fox. I forget what this movie is about, but I’m pretty sure it has to deal with some chick who lives in a pool and sees dead aliens. One day she escapes her pool only to discover that … M. Night Shamamamamammamamamamamlyn sucks.

It’s okay though. I’ll still be in line to watch his next movie.

This movie gets 2 Queen Latifa’s. And trust me – that’s more than enough for anybody.  

Konichiwa Bitches!

Sorry, I realize the last time I updated was when Libertarians had a shot at the white house, but I'm back! Ok, maybe not. I leave again for all lands Pacific in another couple of days. But I'll be back before Turkey Day, And that's good. Cause that's when all the good horror movies hit. I also get to spend Halloween in Guam dressed as a monkey flinging chocolate pudding a passers-by. Don't ask.

Japan, though, is AMAZING! I could try to describe how amazing, but why do that when this one picture can say everything:

No soup cans will stop Bruce Campbell! Yes, this is the actual Japanese movie poster for Army of Darkness. 

Unfortunately, I don't really have any reviews to give you just now. The only really scary movie I've seen recently was Top Gun. This movie must have been truly groundbreaking when it first came out in the 80's with its graphic portrayal of homosexuality in the armed forces. I'm sure the Navy was not happy with the implication that they allowed oiled up homo volleyball matches at their famous "Top Gun Academy". 

Top Gun gets 3 FABulous Hello Kitties!

I'm going to go check out the Pang Brothers latest...see ya'll in a few!

Are you there God? It's me, Baby Jesus.

Sorry for the deafening silence. I've been busy watching totally awesome movies, and getting ready to go to Japan where I will (presumably) watch more awesome movies, try to meet Takashi Miike, and try not to rape Japanese schoolgirls with machine gun arms. But, have no fear - the reviews should start flying this week. I've got a lot of catching up to do: Bloodsucking Freaks, Redneck Zombies, Toxie, Terror Firmer, Death Race 2000, Alien Apocalypse, Bubba Ho-Tep...

See you in a few bitches!

Vagina Dentata Baby!

OSOL! (I hear it's catching on ... like Fetch!)

Anyhow...

Tonight I saw quite possibly the most amazing horror/thriller/comedy ever:

Whoa! It's like a horror version of Saved! McCauley Culkin could play the Vagina!

Ok, let me explain. Good Christian Girl here believes in purity and preaching the joys of virtue to the world. Unfortunately, she gets taken advantage of and almost raped ... twice. Good thing her Vagina has teeth huh? 

Words can't do this movie justice. So let me leave you with this counter:

Penis decapitations (?): 3

Penises eaten by some kind of animal: 2

Fingers bitten off: 4

Incest (almost): 1 (don't worry - it was comical incest!)

I give this movie 42 Prince Albert's!

Look! Here's 'ol girls OBGYN visit gone bad:

Best vagina movie of the year! I can't wait for the sequel: Boobs of Terror!

Bloody-disgusting.com Strikes Again!

A good rule of thumb is that if bloody-disgusting.com says something is good, stay far, far away from said good thing. I'm pretty sure they have a quote on the side of cigarette packages that says, "The best herbal product since strychnine! And so healthy too!" - bloody-disgusting .com.

Which brings me to Otis. Or more specifically the quote on the cover art. "It's Juno for the horror set." - bloody-disgusting.com. Damn you! I fell for your lies again! 

Apparently, to be Juno for the horror set all you need is some kind of plot and a set of parents, one of which that somewhat resembles Allison Janney and BAM! - instant Juno. 

This movie gets 1 and 1/16 Act II popcorn bags.

And to think, with a little effort it good have achieved Orville Redenbacher status.

Since, it is hard to find a good picture that represents this movie, I leave you with this:

"It's like Juno for the stupid 'my pets went missing because I'm a crappy pet owner' genre!" - bloodandboobs.blogspot.com.

Blood, Guts, and Rock N Roll!

I saw two movies today that have changed my life forever. It's possible they took the maximum quota of awesomeness allotted to the Universe (which totals 64) and shoved it right into my face. 

We start with:

I shouldn't even have to write a review on this one. The cover art says it all. But I'll lay out the plot for you anyhow. See, Japan is a beautiful, gun-free utopia. But they have one dirty little secret. A massive bully problem.  (No, this isn't the plot - this is just my observations on Japan through my historically accurate DVD collection.) So anyhow, Hot Girl's brother and his friend are being bullied (see?) by the son of the local Yakuza boss and his friends. They eventually kill them because they couldn't pay up on their 200,000 yen milk money debt. So Hot Girl takes revenge and gets herself chopped to pieces, because, well, if she succeeded so early on the movie would be over too soon. Fortunately, the spirit of her dead brother leads her mangled body to a friendly mechanic couple who put her back together with a machine gun arm. 

(Yes, that's a decapitated body behind her!) So she and Hot Mechanic Lady (who has a very Bruce Campbell chainsaw arm) go and exact their revenge. The End. 

Ok, the plot is weak - but that's where this movie actually shines. You see, normally Japanese movies can be kinda slow and try to get all artsy with their deep talky plots (like the British and their constant door opening and matchstick counting) but not this flick. It starts with about 1 million decapitations before the main title even pops up. In fact, I'm pretty sure the title decapitates somebody. I give this flick 10 meatballs. 

Why meatballs? Because this movie is from the creator of Death Trance and...

What can I say about Meatball Machine? Nothing at all. Ok something. The best I can figure is its an adult version of The Power Rangers. Okay, that doesn't do it justice because it's so much more. It's a love story of forbidden love. It's a sci-fi thriller meets moral decisions in a post-9/11 world. It's ... 

Well, maybe this picture will help:

No? Oh, I get it - I wasn't clear. She's being driven by this little guy who's attached on her shoulder:

Makes sense now right?

My head hurts.

Oh My God Becky, Look at Her Butt!

... and look at George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead!

Amazing.

I have to admit, I went into this film a little apprehensive. After all, it is from Dimension EXTREME which brought us such hits as Black Sheep and DOA - and such misses as Automaton Transfusion (yuck!) and ... DOA. This is how Cloverfield should have been done. The sad part is this film was shot in 20-something days on 1/760000th of the budget. And did I mention it was amazing?

You got to hand it to Romero. Think about it. The man is old enough to have created the genre with Night of the Living Dead in 19-and-freaking-68 and 40 years later he has possibly put out the most well made and relevant sequel - nay - movie in decades. Political as always, but fun. And I love the way they actually explained how they got music and various angles into a supposed documentary. That has always bothered me with these types of films. I also love how annoyed they get with the fact that some idiot has a camera attached to his face the whole movie. Keep an ear out for voice cameo's by Guillermo del Toro, Stephen King, Simon Pegg and Quentin Tarantino.

Did I mention this movie is Amazing?

Ok, enough gushing. That's no fun. So onto this...

Warning. Here be spoilers. Maybe.

Wow! So... Yeah... Indiana Jones huh?

Well, let's just say if I didn't know any better I'd think George Lucas had something to do with this flick. Oh wait...

To be fair, it is possible to enjoy this movie. Just remember to suspend all belief before walking in the theater. And that's saying something for a series that features face melting Nazi's, thousand year old knights, and heart-removing crazy dudes. 

I was really worried at the beginning when evil girl busted out with the ESP powers - thank the Lords of Kobol that the writers even thought this was a dumb idea and never mentioned it again. 

I was even more worried when I saw CG monkeys. Imagine how relieved I was when I found out they were only used to advance the plot by showing Shia Labeouf how to swing through the jungle on vines like Tarzan and land perfectly in a car being driven 70 mph.

I was especially worried when, at the end of the movie, it looked like the Mayan temple turned into a giant flying saucer and flew off into the sunset. Imagine my relief when...

No wait. It actually turned into a damn flying saucer and flew away.

Yep. 

This movie gets half a Jar Jar Binks.

Don't Tell Ronnie: Environmentalists Can Be Funny! (But hippies still suck - this means you Oregon!)

"If you fascists have hurt him I'll organize the biggest sit in this farm has ever seen!" 

And so starts Black Sheep. A Dimension EXTREME title that doesn't suck goat testicles. Sorry Botched, but if ever a movie deserved to be compared to Severance or Shaun of the Dead - this one does. The Brits (or Aussie's in this case) or sooo much better at British humor. Imagine that.

"Oh my God!"

"What?!"

"The Feng Shei in this room is terrible."

Oh you zany, bloody brits...

There's not much to say about this movie other than it's solid gold. And about sheep. Picture The Texas Chainsaw Massacre only with chainsaw wielding sheep. Now take away the chainsaws and you have Black Sheep. Or maybe Jaws only with sheep instead of sharks and not in the water. Or Aliens only...

Nevermind. It's about sheep. And it's funny. Not in that, "Hi! I'm Dane Cook, and I suck!" funny, but more like that, "Do you have a flag?" Eddie Izzard funny.

I give this movie Sputnik! Make that 2...WAY UP!

Oh...and I'm pretty sure the bad dude totally gets it on with a sheep. So...BONUS!

The Comedy Musings of Tolstoy!

Who knew Russians were so funny? Wait, they're not. In their defense, I'm pretty sure Russia sucks. I mean, why else are they coming across our borders and stealing all our jobs? But when a movie touts the line, "If you liked movies like Severance and Shaun of the Dead you will definitely get a kick out of this BRILLIANT HORROR COMEDY," you expect a guffaw or two. In retrospect I should have known they were up to something - who the hell puts an entire paragraph blurb on the front of the box? And why is Stephen Dorff in it?

Botched tries to master the art of British "awkward funny." Instead, its just awkward. These people have all the excitement and joy of a Celebrating Stalin Convention - Trust me, that's Russia's equivalent of E3.

It has a stellar cast though. A grumpy fat russian man. A grumpy ex-russian solider. A grumpy hot chick. A grumpy stupid guy. An old grumpy fat Jesus-lady.

Look! Here's Grumpy Hot Chick killing Grumpy Jesus-lady, presumably 'cause she's grumpy!

Why is this funny? Well, because she's killing her ... with a nail file! HILARIOUS! (?!?!?!?)

I give this movie one of these:

Now that's Zany!

Moving on to a good movie.

Gun Crazy: The Woman From Nowhere.

Now that's a movie title. This movie features everything good about Japanese cinema. It also shows how much Japan hates Americans. Sure our Marines rape their children and back over them accidently with our tanks, but forgive and forget right? Not only are the American soldiers in this movie represented as raving lunatic-murdering-idiots, but they actually dub their voices with even dumber English voice actors saying even dumber things. It's awesome to see an English dude dubbed over in English. You can only imagine the director was like, "Stupid American actor. I am directing a new version of Hamlet! It will be Fantabulous! Just read these lines. That's right! Excellent! Of course I'm not going to record over all your dialog in post-production and make you look like the idiots you really are. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Or something.

And since I couldn't find a totally awesome picture of the main character killing the bad guys with her rocket launcher leg (you heard that right) I'm leaving you with this picture of the actress on the latest issue of J-POP Monthly. 

Oh, by the way, this movie will rock your face off! And if you have ADD, its only like 70 something minutes long. 70 minutes of PURE AWESOME!

Which brings us to:

Coffin Sitter 2: I Hate Underwear!

Wait, no, that's Death Trance. 

First of all, the title alone screams RADICAL! But the movie is superb. You'd be forgiven if you had no idea what the movie was about based on the picture so allow me to clarify. It's about a perpetually hungry ninja that stole a coffin and drags it around behind him with a little girl. Now the locals thinks he eats little girls but that's just not true - he drinks milk. So rival ninja's and spider vampire ninja's and zombie ninja's and hot ninja's and gay ninja's go after him because (of course) the coffin grant's your wishes. But the coffin dude is actually a fallen angel with amnesia and has to go to heaven to fight in a huge final "war in heaven" battle. Makes perfect since. 

Oh, and it's historically accurate. See... 

This movie gets 11 Gay Ninja's! The Happy Kind!

... Happily Homosexual.

Dane Cook Is Not Funny!

He’s not.

So get him off my Battlestar Galactica. Seriously, Anders – you got to go.

Sorry, I’ll leave the TV talk to my wife.

Ok, at the risk of sounding gay, Stardust was a good movie. And the Coca-Cola Polar Bears are a cute advertising campaign. So putting them together and calling it The Golden Compass sounds like an obvious idea to create a shear awesome quota of 1 bazillion. Instead, it turned into one of my long-time reoccurring nightmares. 

Those cute ‘lil bears from the previews look so cuddlely don’t they? Well, in this scene they’re discussing ways to eat her face off!

I have never seen  movie so intent on making me pee my bed when thinking about monkeys, polar bears, Catholics or Nicole Kidman.

I had a friend say she would watch this movie just for Daniel Craig. Unfortunately, Mr. Bond was only in the film for a total of 2.2 seconds. Unless you count the part where it shows him somewhere else doing something that has no bearing on the movie, at which point we can up the count to 2.4 seconds.

I give this film 1 New Coke.

That’s actually a bit harsh. Upon further reflection, if a movie is scary enough to give me face eating nightmares it deserves a re-review.

As a Harry Potter replacement the 1 New Coke stands.

As a psychological horror film it gets 6 C2: Coke 2 (Same great taste, ½ the Sugar!)

Yum-OH!

So I watched The Ruins the other day.

It was the most horrifying plant horror movie since The Day of the Triffids. So, yes – it was about as scary as jam. But it did have talking flowers. SCARY!

I give it a I Hope You Die On Deadly Nightshade.

Anyhow, on to Shutter.

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called…er…Shutter. Really, the Asian Ghost Girl remakes have to stop. This one might have been scary – I’m not sure, I’m pretty desensitized – but it was mostly just “eh.” I must give it props for a great ending/twist. Who would have thought that all of Pacey’s back problems were due to the fact that the ghost was haunting him … while riding him piggyback THE WHOLE MOVIE! A piggyback riding ghost…EEEEEK! So basically this movie redeems itself in the last 5 HILARIOUS minutes. Best comedy remake ever.

Abnormal Beauty blew my mind in that I’m going to sneak up and get you way Audition did. I was about ready to pass this movie off as another dullsville crazy Asian girl Horror film when suddenly that crappy story arc resolved itself and we went all Slasher/Saw. Wh-Wh-What? I haven’t been this surprised since crazy girl in Audition piano-wired ol’boys hands and feet off. Or maybe since Doomsday. Mmmm…Doomsday.

HotDog Magazine calls Abnormal Beauty, “blisteringly weird and genuinely disturbing.” I tend to agree with them even though I have my reservations as to why a magazine about tasty, tasty meat products is reviewing a movie. Of course, they couldn’t be any worse than bloodydisgusting.com. Bastards. You know what I’m talking about.

So I give Abnormal Beauty 6 Keanu Reeves’ Whoas.

And I want to leave you with this:

I like to check the local second-run theater’s web site out every day to see what’s showing that evening. Today I was treated to an extra special treat. Observe this quote taken straight form the theater’s description of Superhero Movie:

“With unimaginable strength, unbelievable speed and deeply uncomfortable tights, will the Dragonfly be able to stop the sands of The Hourglass and save the world? More importantly, will we stop laughing long enough to notice?” 

I don't know? Will we? 

That’s FANFRAKINTABULOUS!