Are you there God? It's me, Baby Jesus.

Sorry for the deafening silence. I've been busy watching totally awesome movies, and getting ready to go to Japan where I will (presumably) watch more awesome movies, try to meet Takashi Miike, and try not to rape Japanese schoolgirls with machine gun arms. But, have no fear - the reviews should start flying this week. I've got a lot of catching up to do: Bloodsucking Freaks, Redneck Zombies, Toxie, Terror Firmer, Death Race 2000, Alien Apocalypse, Bubba Ho-Tep...

See you in a few bitches!

Vagina Dentata Baby!

OSOL! (I hear it's catching on ... like Fetch!)

Anyhow...

Tonight I saw quite possibly the most amazing horror/thriller/comedy ever:

Whoa! It's like a horror version of Saved! McCauley Culkin could play the Vagina!

Ok, let me explain. Good Christian Girl here believes in purity and preaching the joys of virtue to the world. Unfortunately, she gets taken advantage of and almost raped ... twice. Good thing her Vagina has teeth huh? 

Words can't do this movie justice. So let me leave you with this counter:

Penis decapitations (?): 3

Penises eaten by some kind of animal: 2

Fingers bitten off: 4

Incest (almost): 1 (don't worry - it was comical incest!)

I give this movie 42 Prince Albert's!

Look! Here's 'ol girls OBGYN visit gone bad:

Best vagina movie of the year! I can't wait for the sequel: Boobs of Terror!

Bloody-disgusting.com Strikes Again!

A good rule of thumb is that if bloody-disgusting.com says something is good, stay far, far away from said good thing. I'm pretty sure they have a quote on the side of cigarette packages that says, "The best herbal product since strychnine! And so healthy too!" - bloody-disgusting .com.

Which brings me to Otis. Or more specifically the quote on the cover art. "It's Juno for the horror set." - bloody-disgusting.com. Damn you! I fell for your lies again! 

Apparently, to be Juno for the horror set all you need is some kind of plot and a set of parents, one of which that somewhat resembles Allison Janney and BAM! - instant Juno. 

This movie gets 1 and 1/16 Act II popcorn bags.

And to think, with a little effort it good have achieved Orville Redenbacher status.

Since, it is hard to find a good picture that represents this movie, I leave you with this:

"It's like Juno for the stupid 'my pets went missing because I'm a crappy pet owner' genre!" - bloodandboobs.blogspot.com.

Blood, Guts, and Rock N Roll!

I saw two movies today that have changed my life forever. It's possible they took the maximum quota of awesomeness allotted to the Universe (which totals 64) and shoved it right into my face. 

We start with:

I shouldn't even have to write a review on this one. The cover art says it all. But I'll lay out the plot for you anyhow. See, Japan is a beautiful, gun-free utopia. But they have one dirty little secret. A massive bully problem.  (No, this isn't the plot - this is just my observations on Japan through my historically accurate DVD collection.) So anyhow, Hot Girl's brother and his friend are being bullied (see?) by the son of the local Yakuza boss and his friends. They eventually kill them because they couldn't pay up on their 200,000 yen milk money debt. So Hot Girl takes revenge and gets herself chopped to pieces, because, well, if she succeeded so early on the movie would be over too soon. Fortunately, the spirit of her dead brother leads her mangled body to a friendly mechanic couple who put her back together with a machine gun arm. 

(Yes, that's a decapitated body behind her!) So she and Hot Mechanic Lady (who has a very Bruce Campbell chainsaw arm) go and exact their revenge. The End. 

Ok, the plot is weak - but that's where this movie actually shines. You see, normally Japanese movies can be kinda slow and try to get all artsy with their deep talky plots (like the British and their constant door opening and matchstick counting) but not this flick. It starts with about 1 million decapitations before the main title even pops up. In fact, I'm pretty sure the title decapitates somebody. I give this flick 10 meatballs. 

Why meatballs? Because this movie is from the creator of Death Trance and...

What can I say about Meatball Machine? Nothing at all. Ok something. The best I can figure is its an adult version of The Power Rangers. Okay, that doesn't do it justice because it's so much more. It's a love story of forbidden love. It's a sci-fi thriller meets moral decisions in a post-9/11 world. It's ... 

Well, maybe this picture will help:

No? Oh, I get it - I wasn't clear. She's being driven by this little guy who's attached on her shoulder:

Makes sense now right?

My head hurts.

Oh My God Becky, Look at Her Butt!

... and look at George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead!

Amazing.

I have to admit, I went into this film a little apprehensive. After all, it is from Dimension EXTREME which brought us such hits as Black Sheep and DOA - and such misses as Automaton Transfusion (yuck!) and ... DOA. This is how Cloverfield should have been done. The sad part is this film was shot in 20-something days on 1/760000th of the budget. And did I mention it was amazing?

You got to hand it to Romero. Think about it. The man is old enough to have created the genre with Night of the Living Dead in 19-and-freaking-68 and 40 years later he has possibly put out the most well made and relevant sequel - nay - movie in decades. Political as always, but fun. And I love the way they actually explained how they got music and various angles into a supposed documentary. That has always bothered me with these types of films. I also love how annoyed they get with the fact that some idiot has a camera attached to his face the whole movie. Keep an ear out for voice cameo's by Guillermo del Toro, Stephen King, Simon Pegg and Quentin Tarantino.

Did I mention this movie is Amazing?

Ok, enough gushing. That's no fun. So onto this...

Warning. Here be spoilers. Maybe.

Wow! So... Yeah... Indiana Jones huh?

Well, let's just say if I didn't know any better I'd think George Lucas had something to do with this flick. Oh wait...

To be fair, it is possible to enjoy this movie. Just remember to suspend all belief before walking in the theater. And that's saying something for a series that features face melting Nazi's, thousand year old knights, and heart-removing crazy dudes. 

I was really worried at the beginning when evil girl busted out with the ESP powers - thank the Lords of Kobol that the writers even thought this was a dumb idea and never mentioned it again. 

I was even more worried when I saw CG monkeys. Imagine how relieved I was when I found out they were only used to advance the plot by showing Shia Labeouf how to swing through the jungle on vines like Tarzan and land perfectly in a car being driven 70 mph.

I was especially worried when, at the end of the movie, it looked like the Mayan temple turned into a giant flying saucer and flew off into the sunset. Imagine my relief when...

No wait. It actually turned into a damn flying saucer and flew away.

Yep. 

This movie gets half a Jar Jar Binks.

Don't Tell Ronnie: Environmentalists Can Be Funny! (But hippies still suck - this means you Oregon!)

"If you fascists have hurt him I'll organize the biggest sit in this farm has ever seen!" 

And so starts Black Sheep. A Dimension EXTREME title that doesn't suck goat testicles. Sorry Botched, but if ever a movie deserved to be compared to Severance or Shaun of the Dead - this one does. The Brits (or Aussie's in this case) or sooo much better at British humor. Imagine that.

"Oh my God!"

"What?!"

"The Feng Shei in this room is terrible."

Oh you zany, bloody brits...

There's not much to say about this movie other than it's solid gold. And about sheep. Picture The Texas Chainsaw Massacre only with chainsaw wielding sheep. Now take away the chainsaws and you have Black Sheep. Or maybe Jaws only with sheep instead of sharks and not in the water. Or Aliens only...

Nevermind. It's about sheep. And it's funny. Not in that, "Hi! I'm Dane Cook, and I suck!" funny, but more like that, "Do you have a flag?" Eddie Izzard funny.

I give this movie Sputnik! Make that 2...WAY UP!

Oh...and I'm pretty sure the bad dude totally gets it on with a sheep. So...BONUS!

The Comedy Musings of Tolstoy!

Who knew Russians were so funny? Wait, they're not. In their defense, I'm pretty sure Russia sucks. I mean, why else are they coming across our borders and stealing all our jobs? But when a movie touts the line, "If you liked movies like Severance and Shaun of the Dead you will definitely get a kick out of this BRILLIANT HORROR COMEDY," you expect a guffaw or two. In retrospect I should have known they were up to something - who the hell puts an entire paragraph blurb on the front of the box? And why is Stephen Dorff in it?

Botched tries to master the art of British "awkward funny." Instead, its just awkward. These people have all the excitement and joy of a Celebrating Stalin Convention - Trust me, that's Russia's equivalent of E3.

It has a stellar cast though. A grumpy fat russian man. A grumpy ex-russian solider. A grumpy hot chick. A grumpy stupid guy. An old grumpy fat Jesus-lady.

Look! Here's Grumpy Hot Chick killing Grumpy Jesus-lady, presumably 'cause she's grumpy!

Why is this funny? Well, because she's killing her ... with a nail file! HILARIOUS! (?!?!?!?)

I give this movie one of these:

Now that's Zany!

Moving on to a good movie.

Gun Crazy: The Woman From Nowhere.

Now that's a movie title. This movie features everything good about Japanese cinema. It also shows how much Japan hates Americans. Sure our Marines rape their children and back over them accidently with our tanks, but forgive and forget right? Not only are the American soldiers in this movie represented as raving lunatic-murdering-idiots, but they actually dub their voices with even dumber English voice actors saying even dumber things. It's awesome to see an English dude dubbed over in English. You can only imagine the director was like, "Stupid American actor. I am directing a new version of Hamlet! It will be Fantabulous! Just read these lines. That's right! Excellent! Of course I'm not going to record over all your dialog in post-production and make you look like the idiots you really are. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Or something.

And since I couldn't find a totally awesome picture of the main character killing the bad guys with her rocket launcher leg (you heard that right) I'm leaving you with this picture of the actress on the latest issue of J-POP Monthly. 

Oh, by the way, this movie will rock your face off! And if you have ADD, its only like 70 something minutes long. 70 minutes of PURE AWESOME!

Which brings us to:

Coffin Sitter 2: I Hate Underwear!

Wait, no, that's Death Trance. 

First of all, the title alone screams RADICAL! But the movie is superb. You'd be forgiven if you had no idea what the movie was about based on the picture so allow me to clarify. It's about a perpetually hungry ninja that stole a coffin and drags it around behind him with a little girl. Now the locals thinks he eats little girls but that's just not true - he drinks milk. So rival ninja's and spider vampire ninja's and zombie ninja's and hot ninja's and gay ninja's go after him because (of course) the coffin grant's your wishes. But the coffin dude is actually a fallen angel with amnesia and has to go to heaven to fight in a huge final "war in heaven" battle. Makes perfect since. 

Oh, and it's historically accurate. See... 

This movie gets 11 Gay Ninja's! The Happy Kind!

... Happily Homosexual.